Sharing

[Twota]

Well, I was wrong :D Delta was right, i surely will need lots of practice, short stories are much harder than poetry, bleh! Anyway, I changed many parts here and put more details and dialogues, and on such large scale, i prolly messed some tenses out :( Hope it works tho :3

I was the best friend one could ever have in his entire life, I was very much of a giver, kind hearted and reliable. I was no fool as many poeple thought, but i was only being a good friend to those who deserved it.

Albert, He was my friend since childhood, we shared everything, he always had less to share with me but i thought it was fine, since i -his best friend- should complete him. We shared food, drink, home, dreams and secrets. All kind of things we shared and i was delighted to share them with my best friend, but one thing we couldn't share, Love.

As teenagers we get crushes on girls, it's just too random and doesn't mean anything important, but we share them anyways with each other, seeking advice or knowledge about that sort of things and about what to do to gain girls' attention. I called Albert one night, it was too late and he answered half asleep: hey dude, what's up, you ok? I told him that I was in love with a girl from school, the prettiest, and asked for his advice. He said that it was just a crush and that I should really get her out of my mind because she's in love with some other guy, which was a lie, and i knew it, i knew she was free. what kind of best friend is he? but i just neglected what he said and went forward with that love.

I got engaged to that very girl -Lisa after two years from that phone call. As a best friend would do, i asked him if he minded me being married to her, as i knew he once had a secret crush on her -surely his answer wouldn't change anything, if a -yes-, i get his blessing, if a -no- , i ll just have to force him to say a fake -yes-. It's just about, -best friends things-. He, however said -YES- , he didn't mind at all, he even liked the idea since that would get us all closer to each other, a family.

All went fine, until one day, I returned home early from a work trip, ''oh, Lisa, how much did i miss you'' i thought, and when i was about to go in, i saw Albert's car, i thought he was passing by and wanted to check on his best friend's wifey to see if she needed anything, so sweet from him.

I opened the door quietly in order to surprise them, but they weren't in the living room, at least not their bodies, my smile turned to a frown. My anger, hatred were charging with every piece of cloths on the ground, as i could trace the thrown clothes, the pullover i bought her last winter, the tie i bought him on his birthday, bra, socks, panties. They were in such a haste, apparently. I reached the room fully charged, heard lustful moans and laughs, she was screaming joyfully and saying that she loved him.

I couldn't breathe, imagine nor believe, my hand remained congealed on the doorknob, before another moan broke the silence and freed me, many thoughts were rumbling in my head: since when?- why him?- why her?- why did they do that to me?. I ran to the kitchen where i kept my shotgun, which was my birth day present from Albert, laughed insanely at the irony and ran back to the room, put my ear on the door to re-assure what i ve heard, it was true, she was still moaning in pleasure, i closed my eyes, sighed and stormed in.

On my bed, on my warm sheets, their bodies mingled, he surely misunderstood the extents of sharing. They jumped off the bed and said too many words: misunderstand-sorry-don't..I didn't care what they said, didn't care about their justifications, all i cared for was having an answer to my question: WHY?!

I totally lost control there, my tears were bursting out of my eyes, my hands were trembling and the shotgun aimed at the ground, Lisa tried to come close to me and hold me but I smacked her hard enough that she lost consciousness and fell on the bed while her nose bleeded heavily, I repeated my question to Albert: WHY ALBERT?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND FOR FU*K'S SAKE. He just laughed out loud, and said: '' YOU ASKING WHY? fine, let me tell you why, since childhood, YOU had everything you wanted, everything I wanted, YOU were the coolest of the boys, we shared the thoughts and the dreams but all i do is stand here watching you achieving everything you wanted, all your dreams, while i have NOTHING, ABSOLUTE NOTHING.

My finger was stuck hard on the triger by then, i dried my eyes with my other hand, looked at him in the eye and said in a low tone: ''I gave you everything i could give to anyone, i gave you my home to dwell, my secrets to keep, my family to relate, and my trust, but you broke that, you broke my trust, you ungrateful miserable best friend, i hate you but above that, i pity you, that's why i 'll do you a one last favour, i 'll free you from all your hate, pain and burdens, this time you don't have to thank me or fake a smile.'' I pushed him back on bed next to my wife - his mistress- and before he could say anything, I shed a tear, smiled at him and said: '' I forgive you, my friend'' and then aimed at his head.

[Delta40]

The story itself is interesting Twota. There is definitely a problem with flicking between past and present tense as it throws the reader off balance. I know Hill will give you educative feedback that will be helpful as well.

Perhaps start I was a best friend to Albert. The reason is because straight away you have named the character and the reader now knows Albert is your best friend.

The same here: I told him that I was in love with a girl (called Lisa) from school,(. She was) the prettiest (girl), and asked for his advice.

As well as telling what happened, use more dialogue and put them in 'quote' marks on a separate line. Often dialogue shows the reader the intensity of the situation more than telling alone.

I like how you wrote that you and Albert shared many things and gave some examples as it is useful background.

Short stories are a challenge. The theme of this is certainly interesting. Betrayal and that usually makes for interesting reading.

However it does need editing and consider removing anything in the story which is not relevant.

I hope this helps you

[Twota]

That surely does help! :D I 'll put all that you said into consideration and start editing :D thanks Delta :3

[hillwalker]

Welcome to the dark side, Twota…

As you can probably guess I’m going to say pretty much the same as Delta.

You don’t start the story particularly well – telling us how much of a good friend you are (when you should be showing the reader this) then rambling on rather too much about it.

To give you some idea of how your story could be improved upon here’s how I’d start:

Albert and and I have been best friends since childhood. You probably know what being ‘best friends’ involves – sharing everything; the last crumb of cream donut, the last drop of cherry cola, our dreams, even our darkest secrets. I was prepared to share everything with him except the girl I loved the most.

Immediately we know a great deal about you both – as well as the American setting - and the readers are being invited to engage with the story by reflecting on their own experiences of friendship.

-------

Then there’s the leap from discussing Lisa with your pal to actually becoming engaged to her. It seemed as if you were in a rush to get to the ‘action’ – and does it really matter that you both got engaged anyway?
Asking for Albert’s blessing also seemed rather weird.

As far as the plot goes, the pivotal point of the story is you arriving home to discover your wife in bed with Albert – so it needs to be built up much more skilfully than you have here. The reader must be allowed to somehow sense the tension (even imagining the worst while the narrator is oblivious to the impending discovery). The reader should be cringeing with anticipation long before you arrive on the scene.

And the rather over-dramatic ending - littered with internalised dialogue and capital letters (WHY?) is too much of a contrast in style to what went before. It's like a comic book situation rather than a realistic domestic drama.

Then finally, those closing lines of dialogue… over-sentimental and unrealistic. You must realise something like this would never happen outside the movies.

6 out of 10 for effort and having the courage to attempt a new writing technique. But maybe again you need to read more and see how the best stories have you believing every word as if you are there in the middle of the action.

H

[Twota]

Hmmmm, I 'll remember that :D and I 'll read more to improve my writing ;D 6 out of 10 aint too bad for the first time, I hope. Thanks hill :D