Untitled

[TheodoreK.16]

I felt it, and went with it!

The night was cold and my clothes were taken.
The gate was wide open,
like a baby’s mouth ready to receive its meal.
A stream of blood, red as roses,
trickled down the street.
There had been a massacre there!
Human’s ruby juices tickled my toes.
My heart began to race, for I could be next to die.
A march became a quick dash.
The blood covered the street by then, it came up to my ankles,
it spat up at my body w/ each stride I took.
It looked as if I was painted scarlet, and set loose.
I sprinted through a vast field,
like a dog hunting its victims.
Darkness clouded my vision,
I then slipped and found myself falling.
All feeling disappeared, and I lost control.
I screamed, and woke up in a sweat.

[Jack of Hearts]

Well this reader likes it better than your last, what w/ the inclusion of more exciting language and what not.

Quite a nightmare, at any rate.






J

[hillwalker]

Certainly better - we sense the panic through the language.

Personally I would remove 'There had been a massacre there!'
It's a line that tells the reader what's happened - but it's your job to show us what happened - and you do enough in the remaining lines to suggest what took place anyway.

I also felt 'tickled my toes' a little too tender an image for such a horrific scenario - perhaps 'sucked at my heels' would fit better.

One does wonder what the writer has been eating before going too bed.

H

[TheodoreK.16]

Thanks Jack and Hill!
Hill- this was off the top of my mind a few nights ago, weirdly I did not dream this :p
and thanks for the tips.

What do you think an appropriate title would be? This is where I'm drawing a blank :/

[Twota]

I really like it Theodorek :D i had such nightmare before :3

Massacre is a nice title IMO :D

[everyadventure]

Groan! The old "and then I woke up" ending is the cheapest shot in the writer's repertoire! And calling a poem "Untitled" is pretty lazy, too (although come to think of it I'm pretty sure I've posted an "Untitled" here before, hee hee).

Ending aside, there were a few other issues with this poem. "Red as roses" is not only trite, but the romance of fresh flowers doesn't gel well with the tone of the poem. Same for the lighthearted "tickling." And comparing yourself to a "dog hunting its victims" makes YOU appear to be the villainous one, rather than someone who is afraid... you turn into the predator instead of the prey.

Can't say I'm scared. Come on, Theo, make me shiver in my boots (or high heels, as the case may be)! I KNOW you can!

[Delta40]

Well done Theo! This has a much more poetic feel to it and conveys a powerful image.

[Jerrybaldy]

I loved ruby juices but it doesn't need the 'human's' before it. Sure there are faults but it held my attention to the end and many poems don't. Well done Ted (can I call you Ted?)