At Night

[Twota]

Feeble yellow lights
hazing your eyes,
awkward silence
slowly rising tension,
a sense of death,
loss and despair,
a scent of sweat
that your pores spew,
drops of water
condensing on forehead,
forming a water drop
that slides down
to wet your pillow,
high humidity in air
that you can't breathe,
you sigh, close outer eyes,
and throw yourself into a
hypnotic colorful twister,
and as you fall deeply in,
you fall asleep.

[ShadowsCool]

Kinda sounds like what we all been going through this summer.
Interesting images Twoto, therefore I like it. :)

[Twota]

yah, I go through that daily ;D
glad you like it shadows, thanks :D

[everyadventure]

There are some lines that are oddly worded. "Doing you hazy eyes..." I don't understand. Your tenses are a little mixed up ("spewed / condenses / forming") and the last two lines are repetitive.

If this is someone simply falling asleep, why the "fear" and "respect" in the silence? I think this one might need a little more time spent on it.

[hillwalker]

One assumes it's a poem about trying to get off to sleep during a hot night in the city (something we never have a problem with here in the Arctic tundra)
- but I also got lost with 'Doing your hazy eyes' - doing what to your hazy eyes???

Nor can I see where 'fear and respect' figure in the context of the poem.

I think you need to read through it again as if you are an independent reader who only has the words in this poem to rely on. We don't have access to the information swirling around in your mind that led you to create it - so you would do well to rewrite it so it's clearer to everyone.

H

[Twota]

EA and hill, thanks alot for reading and commenting ;D about ''doing you hazy eyes'' , the lights make your eyes hazy? or that's what i meant at least. :D
about ''fear and respect'' well, before falling asleep i remember all things i did in my past and think about my future, but as hill said the reader doesn't know what's swirling around in my mind, so i ll try to rewrite it to make it clearer :D:D

[Delta40]

I agree with the above comments.

[Twota]

hmm, fixed those points, kinda.. what about now? :D

[hillwalker]

hmm, fixed those points, kinda.. what about now? :D

kinda

but I'm still unsure

- How does making your eyes hazy suddenly become translated to 'paralyzing' your eyes? There's no similarity so have you decided to change what you were trying to say or could you just not find the right word?

If you have an idea in your mind one of the major problems a writer has to overcome is finding the right words to express it. Grabbing the nearest thing and hoping it fits just won't work - and it seems that's what you may have done here.

Why not 'hazing' your eyes? And if you're not even sure that it's a verb, get yourself a dictionary. It helps to broaden your vocabulary and it's an essential tool if you intend writing more.

H

[Twota]

OMG! Hazing! Weird, I didn't think about that :D you're right lol, it's hard for me to find the equal word since i lack vocab, so i usually use dicts yah, and i surely intend writing more ;D I 'll fix it to -hazing- now. Thx hill :D