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View Full Version : Liberty or Death (Part one)



Clay MacDonnell
07-19-2011, 07:50 AM
A tail of smoke warped and whirled through the air as the Frenchman finished off his fifth glass of wine, being of a decidedly jubilant disposition he seemed displeased with his present company's tiresome inability to embrace anything optimistic for the future. Unable to keep his agitation to himself Jacques determined to bring all that would be better off unsaid to the forefront of the conversation and to lure what he thought boorish and old fashioned about these Germans out into the fray so he may be able to pick at their every word, scrutinise it and destroy it. 'Monsieur Martin, Monsieur Lukas! I can no longer tolerate the pretences keeping us silent nor can I understand or comprehend what demon has taken possession of you that makes you so melancholy when there is much to be optimistic about! We are all soon free men to be liberated from the shackles of high society. Do you truly mourn for yourselves and your sons that your fellow noblemen may call you brother who obtains his rank from merit and not from birth?' Both Martin and Lukas looked displeased and uncomfortable by this sudden turn of what was otherwise a pleasant and altogether cheerful conversation, for social mores and better sense dictate that one should never discuss politics if one wishes for civil and harmonious company; all the more so given the current circumstances. Napoleon's army was on the move through their beloved country, through the brooks and the trees and the


boroughs and the streets and it was only a matter of time before it was confronted by the armies of Austria and Russia. Such times were uncertain for the future of the
German states for they were equally at risk of being devoured by Napoleon's armies or losing their independence to Catholic Austria. Martin was horrified, indeed, taken aback by Jacques' obnoxiousness and lack of foresight and railed against him thus 'Jacques, what insolence is this? One must remember the value of manners and good taste when under another's roof! Now what was better off unsaid shall have to be brought out into the open and prostituted at everyone's expense to fulfil your giddy abrasiveness. It is true that the current circumstances of our Westphalia demand some attention, though are you so blind as to confuse melancholy with trepidation? Young men such as yourself often confuse the emotions of the older and are unable to see through the lens of irrational extremes with which they themselves see the world. Time shall tell whether or not our free German states become pawns of Napoleon. However it is of my opinion that no good will come of this coming conflict. It is self evident that man lacks the ability to govern himself as we have witnessed in your home nation. No greater fits of anarchy may be witnessed in all of civilised history than that of your French revolution. If blood red streets and heads in baskets are the virtues of your


grand republic, may I sit idly by in my peaceable monarchy.' The very tone of Martin's rebuttal infuriated Jacques to untold heights, he felt as if all that was beauteous and noble about his imaginings were daggered in the dark. Although Jacques had expected a spout of conservative riff raff on Martin's part he was horrified to discover that Martin despised the values of his much beloved revolution, and without a moments hesitation or reasonable assessment of Martin's prevailing monarchist attitudes Jacques immediately became convinced that such a person was his enemy; and ought to be treated with contempt. As such, the unforgiving manner of Martin was returned twofold as Jacques leapt from his chair in a rage coincidently toppling the side-table and sloshing dregs of wine to the floor, over his waistcoat and hands. At this point it should have become apparent to the Germans Martin and Lukas that the red stains perhaps forebode what would come and to desist in political discussion. Lukas however was both a diplomatic man and a lover of conflict, he found excitement in resolving disputes. His contemparies had often recognized these qualities and conferred to him that he would make an excellent lawyer. This would no doubt be true if not for his greater passion of philosophy which many a time to the dismay of his father had taken precedence over his studies in law. And so having found an opportunity for opinion and self gratification to resolve the dispute at hand Lukas


interjected before Jacques could spout a thousand furies in Martin's direction. 'A word if I may gentlemen, it is of my experience with and philosophy of the natural world that all things have a greater degree of extremes; be them hot and cold or dark and light and it is of my opinion that the greatest and most comfortable of such circumstances will always range in the middle of these extremes. Warmth is always most preferable to the heat or the cold just as a lucid penetration of light is most favourable to the darkness or the brightness. It is also a characteristic of my philosophy gentlemen that there are mediators in all things, the bee for instance has a duty. The duty of the bee is to be a mediator to the flower, the flower attracts the bee, the bee unknowingly collects the flower's pollen and disperses it amongst other shrubbery and such is the spreading of all of our wondrous flora. In consideration to these things gentlemen it is my belief that my duty in this moment is that of the mediator and as such it is my purpose to achieve a middle ground in this dialogue and to convince you god willing to have a moderate and temperate attitude to the politics of our time.'

hillwalker
07-19-2011, 08:38 AM
A very ambitious beginning - and you obviously have a feel for the period and have attempted to write in the style of other historic fiction. I found the opening paragraph extremely dense and cumbersome - not exactly something that grabbed my attention from the first sentence. But there is a market for this type of material...

Having said that, it does appear to be overwritten - compared to much of the material one reads on here. That could well be intentional - keeping your rather over-formal writing style in tune with the setting. But there's still room for trimming :

nor can I understand or comprehend what demon has taken possession of you

sticks out as tautologous.

H

Delta40
07-19-2011, 08:40 AM
You need to alter the format of this story, particularly because this piece requires applied concentration on the part of the reader. Break the paragraphs up so they are not starting mid sentence and also separate the dialogue from the paragraphs themselves. This will make it an easier read.

Buh4Bee
08-08-2011, 09:30 AM
This style does not work as well for you, at least not in this piece, as compared to your other writing. It's thoughtful and intelligent though. An example of successful writing was the one in which the character faces out from the flat in London.

Delta40
08-08-2011, 05:52 PM
I agree with Hill. The first paragraph was very heavy reading. Even the first sentence. I would say that writing only what needs to be said makes for easier and enjoyable reading. Too much vocab can weigh it down and although it's certainly intelligent, it doesn't enhance the piece.

Having said that you show great potential and should continue writing