Garden

[Clay MacDonnell]

Forlorn forgotten garden, fate forsook you!
Your pretty petals contend with rusty metals,
Betrayed! by all that is progressive and pedantic.

Once earnest in elegance and essence,
Now forever bitter in a fleeting flitter of fluorescence.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I don't see that "pedantic" can be equated with "progressive" but this is deft and economic.

[hillwalker]

This is probably the best of the 3 you have posted so far - but there's an overload of alliteration (ffffar too many F's) that tends to draw attention away from the subject.

The reader feels you are trying too hard to appear poetic rather than convey something new in a way that might capture our imagination.

H

[Delta40]

I discovered alliteration the other day. Yes, its on overload and is rather distracting.

[Buh4Bee]

I Love it!

[Varenne Rodin]

This is probably the best of the 3 you have posted so far - but there's an overload of alliteration (ffffar too many F's) that tends to draw attention away from the subject.

The reader feels you are trying too hard to appear poetic rather than convey something new in a way that might capture our imagination.

H

I agree! The F's!

Mozart would cringe at this. Be soft like Mozart. Be like water.

[Junglord]

I thought their were too many f's. Though I loved
"Once earnest in elegance and essence,
Now forever bitter in a fleeting flitter of fluorescence."
I thought it was a lovely way to end it. Infact I really like those two lines.