The Suburbs

[Clay MacDonnell]

A sleepy suburb is a restless symphony
Of nature's struggles and desperate inquiry,
Often shrilling shrieks are heard
Dancing with the songs of birds.

[hillwalker]

2 points -

1 - please read ***PLEASE read before posting your poems***

only one posting allowed in each 24 hour period to allow everyone a fair chance of having their work read before it drops off the first 'page'

2 the imagery behind this would work better if you chose more appropriate words to express what you had in mind

I'm not sure what 'desperate inquiry' is supposed to mean

'shrilling shrieks' is a mouthful and is a little awkward since 'shrill' is an adjective not a verb

and I can't picture sounds 'dancing' with the songs of birds - though perhaps certain elements of the suburbs could dance to the songs of birds.

H

[Clay MacDonnell]

Thank you for your criticisms, they are well noted. Also, my apologies for the multiple postings.

[hillwalker]

Thank you for your criticisms, they are well noted. Also, my apologies for the multiple postings.

You're very welcome - and being a newcomer you will be forgiven I'm sure.

H :-)

[Delta40]

I definitely like the first line and agree with Hill about the shrilling shrieks. Writing with brevity can be challenging but one worth taking!

welcome to Lit-Net

[Buh4Bee]

I liked this poem, but I respect the advice given.