Dionysus

[Clay MacDonnell]

Life! life! a flurrying fury of incandescence!
An undying will of passion as if a firmament in the breast!
I am growing weary of you,
As the lover grows in resentment,
And as the toddler fains in presentiment,
Your hum-drum miseries wretch me to the bone,
Such melancholy could cast a king from his throne!
I dance and sing and frollick in spring and hue my malady away,
Yet spring falls to winter as it's due, and the night forever smothers day.

[hillwalker]

You use a lot of grand words - firing a great deal of passion into this poem - but unfortunately many of the words come across as clumsy or have just been used out of context.

as if a firmament in the breast

as the toddler fains in presentiment

miseries wretch me to the bone

hue my malady away

all suggest you are trying to 'write poetry' rather than express yourself in normal, contemporary language.

I suggest you read some of the other poems on here to get a feel for how it's possible to write clearly and concisely without losing any poetical quality.

I can sense you have been influenced by some of the classical poets but you need to strengthen your grasp on the English language before plunging into such deep waters.

H

[Clay MacDonnell]

Once again thanks for the criticisms, I am a newcomer to writing and I am indeed as you say plunging into deep waters. You are also correct that my influences are mostly classical. (Goethe and the English romantics especially) My aim with these few poems is to test my skills so to speak and receive advice and criticism. You have been most helpful in accomplishing this and I appreciate your bluntness and clarity as it is far more helpful to one wishing to improve than simple praise or negation.

Cheers,
Clay

[Delta40]

The passion and also weariness of the poem rings through and it seems to me you have a wonderful grasp on language which, if well paced will produce some great works.

[everyadventure]

I've read all the poems you've posted, and this is what I'm coming away with: you choose excellent subjects to write about, but your poems feel "heavy," "weighty," despite the profusion of exclamation points. I think you're trying to fit too many hefty words into very little space. Big words are fine, if they are the perfect ones-- but if they aren't, it just becomes a mouthful instead of a poem.

Again, excellent themes :)

[Buh4Bee]

Just cut it out with a knife, I have done it. It is quite easy, quick, and fairly painless. Throw some water on the fire, otherwise, and smother. It's wasted energy, especially on the young. Passion such as this, is the result of a feeble mind anyway. Why exhaust your thoughts?

[Varenne Rodin]

Some harsh critiques! They're apt, unfortunately. I think you have potential, but you're trying too hard. Do you drink? If so, get drunk and write something without puzzling over it.

[Junglord]

Ha, I agree some harsh critique which does help but I think some of the inappropriate use of language adds to the poem. Poetry is always twisting original meanings of words to emphasise, in this case, the passion the writer intends. But as hillwalker said, perhaps you are writing in a style out of your depth for now. I enjoyed it though. Keep writing.

[qimissung]

Don't forget you can only start one thread per day. If you're going to post a lot of poems, you might want to consider starting one thread where you put them all.

You have the fire! Everyone gave you some good critiques. Keep writing-and you will grow stronger as a writer.