karenmcd
07-19-2011, 06:07 AM
After freaking myself out, I'm going to keep posting my morning writing exercises no matter what i think of them, otherwise I wont post anything.
__________________________________________________ _____
I think, trying holding onto that one thought as others try to drag it away.
The radio natters and blathers in the background. People angry or upset or passionate holding court to an audience of electronics and catatonics.
We sit, quiet, half listening. Expostulations of frustration and regret and anger break intermittently the tapping typing, the soporific writing and the radios soundscape.
I want this to all make sense one day, i want to bury it away, beneath words. Words, falling apart around me, my mind tries to hold on. Holding onto a last little fingered grip to reality, a last little grip to sanity, knowing where the descending deepening declining thoughts will lead.
And ill have to run again, holding onto that thought, knowing. No money, running out of memories, out of names, out of scenes that make sense. I look behind the curtain of my apparent insanity, i know where i am, where this is going. LALALALALA
My mind is weakening, i cant keep tip tap typing, i cant keep laughing and hiding, listening to a radio that's buzzing. Nobody around me listening. I can hear their words, on the radio, knowing that it makes no sense, it is there to jar my mind, its there to stop me thinking, let go. Mind stops, i look around...breathe, when was the last time i took a breath. All idiots, nobody understands, i know whats going to happen next, I'm not making it happen, its not my fault but it will all end, the world, around their ears, the next thing that will make sense will be when i stand in rubble crying, screaming, shouting, follow me.
The radio stops me thinking, breaks my thoughts, my mind struggles to hold onto each thought, struggles to hold on to each hope, he talks to me, why do i care, they are trying to stop me thinking. My words struggle to find meaning. LALALALALALALALALA
Stop this, i say to myself. Hold a thought. I walk over and turn off the radio. My brain stops, resets whirs...I can think for a minute, before they come to put it back on. Name, age, colour, parents, family, past, job, then what. Standing in the room I look around, how do I get out of here, it will happen, it has been shown to me but my visions are weakened by the drugs they give me to keep their imagined psychosis away. I hide as many as I can, throw up, spit out, keep nestled in-between my teeth and jaw, but they still win, mostly. I don't know who believes their own stories or which ones know exactly why I'm in here.
The radio goes on again, louder than before, he is talking to me again. What was I thinking, I need to get out.
__________________________________________________ _____
I think, trying holding onto that one thought as others try to drag it away.
The radio natters and blathers in the background. People angry or upset or passionate holding court to an audience of electronics and catatonics.
We sit, quiet, half listening. Expostulations of frustration and regret and anger break intermittently the tapping typing, the soporific writing and the radios soundscape.
I want this to all make sense one day, i want to bury it away, beneath words. Words, falling apart around me, my mind tries to hold on. Holding onto a last little fingered grip to reality, a last little grip to sanity, knowing where the descending deepening declining thoughts will lead.
And ill have to run again, holding onto that thought, knowing. No money, running out of memories, out of names, out of scenes that make sense. I look behind the curtain of my apparent insanity, i know where i am, where this is going. LALALALALA
My mind is weakening, i cant keep tip tap typing, i cant keep laughing and hiding, listening to a radio that's buzzing. Nobody around me listening. I can hear their words, on the radio, knowing that it makes no sense, it is there to jar my mind, its there to stop me thinking, let go. Mind stops, i look around...breathe, when was the last time i took a breath. All idiots, nobody understands, i know whats going to happen next, I'm not making it happen, its not my fault but it will all end, the world, around their ears, the next thing that will make sense will be when i stand in rubble crying, screaming, shouting, follow me.
The radio stops me thinking, breaks my thoughts, my mind struggles to hold onto each thought, struggles to hold on to each hope, he talks to me, why do i care, they are trying to stop me thinking. My words struggle to find meaning. LALALALALALALALALA
Stop this, i say to myself. Hold a thought. I walk over and turn off the radio. My brain stops, resets whirs...I can think for a minute, before they come to put it back on. Name, age, colour, parents, family, past, job, then what. Standing in the room I look around, how do I get out of here, it will happen, it has been shown to me but my visions are weakened by the drugs they give me to keep their imagined psychosis away. I hide as many as I can, throw up, spit out, keep nestled in-between my teeth and jaw, but they still win, mostly. I don't know who believes their own stories or which ones know exactly why I'm in here.
The radio goes on again, louder than before, he is talking to me again. What was I thinking, I need to get out.