Untitled

[Dr.reid_16]

New poem without a name (any suggestions?!)
Not religious at all but here's what I came up with a few days ago!


Bodies covered the ground.
As I walked through the forest of Eden,
I saw him slither past corpses ahead.
Each step I took, Death caressed my feet.
I followed him out the forest,
where he met with Michael.
“Lucifer what are we to do now?”
“Just wait, wait until she takes a bite. . .”

[everyadventure]

As someone who IS religious, this poem left me confused. So the serpent, Lucifer, is Death? And Michael, who is Adam, is in cahoots with Lucifer? And, seeing as how Adam and Eve were the first humans, where do all the bodies come in?

It isn't that I can't appreciate a poem that uses a biblical reference as a literary device or a jumping off point... it's just that it might need some more filling out for the message to be clear, especially as the reader will come in with certain assumptions when you're using such familiar characters.

[Delta40]

Title: Anticipation.

The poem feels anticipatory to me.

L3 is a little confusing as it uses past and ahead in one sentence. He has either already passed them or he is approaching them if you see what I mean so I suggest you edit it.

L4 I'd swap to: Death caressed my feet with each step I took.

Stick in the word hiss somewhere! I like the end line. It leaves the aftermath to the readers imagination

[Dr.reid_16]

Ea - this poem symbolises all the confusion of religion and all its aspects. Not my best I know that, and just for the record I DON'T mean to offend anyone or disrespect and beliefs or views!
Delta - Thanks for the tips, and i'll try to fit "hiss" in (:

[everyadventure]

I'm just not certain I interpreted it correctly. If you ARE implying that Adam and Lucifer had some type of secret alliance, it's certainly an original spin on an age-old tale.

If you want to write about the confusion of organized religion, go for it-- but make sure the poem ITSELF isn't too confusing :)

[hillwalker]

Ea - this poem symbolises all the confusion of religion and all its aspects.

That was your intention, possibly, But it doesn't symbolise anything really. You've placed identifiable characters in a well-known, mythical location and had them conspire to wait until Eve bites the apple. We're not told who the narrator is - nor where the bodies came from.

I actually think the closing 2 lines have potential if utilised in a better context - but there's nothing here to suggest religious confusion; just confused symbolism on the writer's part.

H