Desert

[Twota]

A yellow killing desert
where million hour glasses break
sand is replaced with sand.

[hillwalker]

Short - and one would normally say sweet, but I don't think much of that opening line.

'Vast' + 'desert' = cliche.

Throw in the word 'deserted' and it becomes even weaker.

And we all know that the wind 'blows' so you're telling us nothing new - nor am I really sure that it 'speaks'.

The last line is better, but it needs a much better build-up.

H

[Twota]

Hill, I read the Haikus written by Dark Muse and really liked them, so i started reading about Haiku, Senryu and the difference between them, so I wanted to see if i can write one and those were first words to come to my mind, i want to know if the form and subject are right and i can edit thd cliches. ;o

[Delta40]

This is not a Haiku verse because there are too many syllables. I notice that you have 5 words 7 words then 5 words but its 5/7/5 syllables in Haiku.

for example counting out loud each sound on your fingers:

In a vast de/ser/ted des/ert

is 8 syllables

Go forth and conquer Twota

[Twota]

hmmmm, syllables are really tricky. ;o
how can I count them? I mean i just say desert not des-ert, you know?

[hillwalker]

But 'desert' has two beats not one beat. If you were tapping a drum to count each beat as you said the word out loud (or sang it) you would end up tapping the drum twice not once.

Most of us say 'dez-urt' - but we don't consciously split the word in half by stressing each syllable separately. But surely you can see the word has two separate parts or beats.

Similarly 'deserted' would have 3 beats: 'dee-zur-tid'.

Syllables are nothing more complicated than the number of beats each word has. But if you really can't figure out this basic rule of poetry then you're going to find writing anything in strict meter impossible.

H

[Twota]

hmm, i edited it a bit, does it fit now? or sound lil better at all?

and about counting the number of beats, guess i can try to do that, tho it won't be easy for me and gonna take quite a while.

[hillwalker]

No.

Your 'haiku' is 7 - 7 - 6 : not 5 - 7 - 5 : plus your second line is ungrammatical and sounds forced.

A haiku using your 3 lines would need to be something like

A yellow desert
filled with broken hour glasses
sand replaced with sand

but even then there's so much more to haiku than just syllable count. There are books on the subtleties of the form - but if you're honestly finding the concept of a syllable so difficult then forget about writing haiku.

H

[Twota]

Hmm :( I get it, i 'll give it one or two more tries tho, and i 'll read more about Haiku.

Thanks alot hill ;]]