Sharing A Woman

[Twota]

Me and my best friend,
we share everything,
tonight, I return home
to find the lights on.
It's him, sometimes
he comes over.
I go in slowly
but, not infront of TV,
not bathroom,
not kitchen, may be,
he needed some sleep.

I approach my room,
and hear lustful moaning,
I told him many times
not to bring his b!tches here.
I faster my steps,
put my hand on the door knob,
but then, I hear a familiar voice,
she shouldn't be here,
not in the bedroom,
not with this very man,
not my girl friend...

I am paralysed in silence
I can't move, can't breathe,
believe nor imagine.
Another moan breaks the silence,
and breaks my congealment.
I run back to my car,
where I keep my emergency gun,
and again to the bedroom door,
I take a deep breath,
close my eyes and storm in.

On my bed, on my warm sheets,
their bodies mingle,
he surely misunderstands
the extents of sharing.
They jump off the bed
and say too many words:
misunderstand-sorry-don't..
I don't care what they say,
don't care about their reasons,
I push him back on bed,
crying, i close my eyes,
and I aim at his head.

[ShadowsCool]

Twota:

The poem kept me engaged, which means it's interesting to my mind.
The ending left me to wonder. What would happen next. Rage? or you
are talked out of it. I like it.

Shadows

[Twota]

Shadows, glad you like it ;D and, the end is for you to decide :D

thanks :]

[hillwalker]

It could be tightened a little - especially the first verse that is a little too telling. I'm also confused as to why the tense changed half way through verse 3 from present to past.

And the title - it gives the game away right from the start - which is a shame. Perhaps 'Sharing' would have been better.

H

[Twota]

hill, yah, i always mess the tenses.. I tightened the first verse a lil, fixed the tenses in 3rd verse, and the title is fixed too xD was the first to come to my mind tho -Sharing- :D, i wrote that one fast and didn't revise > D;

[Astromaxis]

This was an intense poem because it showed two kind of men:

1. one who is committed to his life of simplicity and girlfriend

2. another who sounds like a womanizer and a bit lazy or hedonistic

the one who was so dedicated realized that his best friend had stolen that one thing that mattered to him — his love.

the rage that this man kills his best friend shows that his best has probably stolen a lot of things from him before this too.

Now this last incidence has caught him and thrust into him the need for vengeance.

[Twota]

Exactly ;D

Thanks for reading :D

[Delta40]

I really think this would be better as a short story Twota

[Twota]

hmm, probably right, but unlike you, I don't know how to write a short story. ;(

[hillwalker]

hmm, probably right, but unlike you, I don't know how to write a short story. ;(

except you already did - splitting it up into poem-shaped lines when it's more prose than poetry. It just needs a little fleshing out, a little change of pace and an injection of tension.

H

[Twota]

hmmm, I will try to do that, let it be my first short story ;D hope it works well :D

[hillwalker]

hmmm, I will try to do that, let it be my first short story ;D hope it works well :D

hmmm indeed - and don't post it fifteen minutes from now and say 'that's it'. Like most writing you need to take some time over it - give it some proper thought.

H

[Twota]

hmmm indeed - and don't post it fifteen minutes from now and say 'that's it'.

I was going to do that lol :D but being my first short story, it has to be good, so I 'll take my time and post it once it's worth praise ;D

[Delta40]

I was going to do that lol :D but being my first short story, it has to be good, so I 'll take my time and post it once it's worth praise ;D

That's a high expectation to put on yourself - it has to be good. Everything is practice, practice, practice. We've seen that happen with your poetry. It is no different with short stories. In my experience when it has to be good, it means I'm not willing to be kind to myself. Write something that you like and stuff the audience. Then, consider suggestions on ways to improve.

Good luck

[Haunted]

What, the persona is a guy? I'm confused, it's a woman's voice, yes no? Guys dont' have "emergency guns". They have colts, lugers, glocks...

I do agree it has all the prose characterisitcs of a short story. I think it would be more poetic if you actually gave the gun some character, ivory handle etc, but you would still need that kind of details for any genre, including short stories. Got to make it special, make it yours. Same with "crying". The less generic the better. I do like the ending.

[Twota]

ahem, well, you're right about practice :D I know it will take a while until I totally get it, but my enthusiasm always pushes me xD

[Twota]

What, the persona is a guy? I'm confused, it's a woman's voice, yes no? Guys dont' have "emergency guns". They have colts, lugers, glocks...

I do agree it has all the prose characterisitcs of a short story. I think it would be more poetic if you actually gave the gun some character, ivory handle etc, but you would still need that kind of details for any genre, including short stories. Got to make it special, make it yours. Same with "crying". The less generic the better. I do like the ending.

my best friend is in my bedroom and i hear my girlfriend's voice inside ;o, confused :D i don't know if that's good or not, and what's with the gun? :D

I agree as well that its lil too prosey for a poem and lacks poetic devices, I hope you get to read it as a -Short Story- later and tell me what you think then, guess it will have the same ending you like. :D

thanks Haunted x]

[Delta40]

Can't have too much enthusiasm. Just don't turn that energy into a threshold that isn't immediately realistic!

[Twota]

Nuu, don't worry ;D I 'll be sure not to, it's a safe enthusiasm. :D

[Haunted]

You already posted a SS? I'll go check.

I got it that he's your best friend. I thought it was a girl talking. Then Astro suggested it's a guy and it makes sense. You see, guys talk different, the ones that I know anyway :D. This poem is very relationship oriented, and that's a girl thing. Then I thought, could the persona and his best friend be a gay couple? With a girlfriend on the side? That would make one juicy story! haha

Well guys don't have emergency guns, it's a woman thing, for protection. Guys have handguns, shotguns, 38s, etc etc. It's like cars, they know cars, they call them by their names. You get what I'm saying? So is the persona a man or woman? Humor me!

[Twota]

I didn't post it yet - I hope you get to read it as a -Short Story- later -, lil more later :D

and LOL at -Then I thought, could the persona and his best friend be a gay couple? With a girlfriend on the side? That would make one juicy story!-, It surely would LOL, but no, the persona is a guy - a straight guy - and his best friend who is also a guy - straight guy - was sleeping with his girl friend who is a girl - straight girl - lololol :D

And yah, i get what you're trying to say about the gun hahaa, I ll make sure to fix it in the short story :D

[Haunted]

ok, I'll sure look for it. You just inspired me to write my first short story. It's more like a failed poem :D

[Twota]

hahaa, glad I was some source of inspiration :D
Hope it won't be about gays tho :D

[Haunted]

no, no gays. How about a single woman and a married guy? :D

[Twota]

ooh, that would make a fine story ;o I 'll look for that too ;p hope you post it before i post mine so i could steal some of your ideas. :D

[Haunted]

LOL there's nothing good to steal from. I'm best known for writing trash.

btw welcome to Litnet :)

[Twota]

hahaa, humble ;D

Thanks Haunted :D

[beautiful_heart]

I really like this poem or short story, whatever you think it is Twota. :-)
It kept me engaged till the end. I like it.

[Twota]

Beautiful, thanks alot ;D hope you 'll like it as a short story as well.

[beautiful_heart]

Well, its a nice story as well but not exactly. For a short story, it must be bit more descriptive like you can emphasize more on the feelings of a decent guy, how he felt when he found his girlfriend and best friend together in a same bed or the last scene where he killed his best friend. And then, I am sure it would be super hit story. :)

[Twota]

Yah, I ll keep that in mind and hope it will be a hit ;D

[Jerrybaldy]

short story/poem its so blurred but the readers attention is everything Twota and your success in gaining that is apparrent and the rest is detail. You wrote something that enthralled people myself included. what more can you ask ?

[Twota]

wow jerry ;o those words are really good :D haha, thanks alot ;D glad you liked it x]]] and yah, that's all I want :D