Young Love

[Doralace]

(revision)

[hillwalker]

I really enjoyed reading this. One or two words are maybe a littlle out of place but I sensed the poetry behind the thought. Your work shows originality.

H

[Delta40]

I interpreted this poem as a reference to the Tartra Mountains which added majesty to how they or he speak to you. I like how you captured the knowledge of his ability to
give you great joy or so easily destroy you.

[Doralace]

Glad you enjoyed my poem,Hillwalker and Delta. You're right, Delta, the couple met in the Tatra Mountains.
Could you suggest, Hillwalker, which two words are out of place (is "reify" one of them?)?
Thank you both for your comments.

[everyadventure]

"Reify" threw me for a loop for a second, as I initially read it as "rectify." My bad. This was a good one, the second stanza was particularly well written. I'm not sure the last line is the best you can do, though... I didn't feel it did justice to the rest of the poem.

Nice job.

[hillwalker]

Could you suggest, Hillwalker, which two words are out of place (is "reify" one of them?)?

No - but I felt these two examples were a little awkward :

1

his words, soft like butter,
cheered up my pace.

I really like 'words soft like butter' - but cannot see how one's pace can be 'cheered up'. Did you mean speeded up your pace, or that his words made you happier?

2

I wouldn’t exchange
his magnificence for any other.

I just found 'his magnificence' a little too grandiose, unless you're describing a deity rather than a person.

H

[Doralace]

Thanks everyadventure and again Hillwalker for your comment. I changed the pointed words and reorganised the whole a bit differently. Does it work better this way?

[hillwalker]

It is much better - flowing more smoothly because of a few simple changes.

H

[Doralace]

Thanks so much, Hillwalker, you're a teacher!

[everyadventure]

The whole body of the poem is much easier to read, it's written beautifully. But I have to say I'm still hung up on the ending. I think it's because the whole poem is about the power that this being has over the narrator, and then at the end it reverses and implies that the narrator has some choice in the matter, which weakens the overall theme. Does that make sense?

The rest of the poem is masterful.

[Doralace]

everyadventure, It does makes sense, though the point I wanted to provide here is that, due to this encounter, the narrator becomes powerful herself and she's positive (young love! ;) ) she'd succeed in bringing him back were he to leave, for she partakes of his light... but I'll give it a further thought so to make this poem work till the end for you. :)