Under Cerulean Lamps

[Astromaxis]

Stretches out in miles
like on phosphorous
like on clay
between thumbs
between palms
and other limbs
I am dancing
with a whole lot of air

as a helium tribe
I censor gravity
like a clay tribe
I defy erosion
I am rock
bedded into soil
I am plant
that is bedded into roots

and my bed was also the clouds
those chameleon organs of mist
signaling other hues
and manifesting cycles
with a hourglass of a camel
sands in their white pores

maybe it is easier
to know that the originals
need variance
and multitudinous is a body
that is of flesh
and viscous blood
pumping in poison and purification
under two ranged microscopes

a winged bird with no marrow
a winged bird with plenty of marrow

the sky is the limit they say ▬

▬ so for sky what is limit?

underneath some starry chains of bed sheet
I analyze the signs of viscous blood

clutching a pillow of clouds with a lace of them underneath

upon some ether and ground I have no definition for .▬

[Delta40]

I see you are on the 'right' side of poetry!

I don't fully understand this poem but some of the imagery was provocative, especially:

clutching a pillow of clouds with a lace of them underneath

upon some ether and ground I have no definition for

There is a tendency to repeat words such as:

like on
clay
viscous blood

IMHO viscous blood should only be used once in any poem!

I looked up cerulean and it means a range of colours but I didn't get the colour theme from this poem.

[Astromaxis]

Thanks for your comment — I meant cerulean as in you know the bluish sky but of course the sky changed colours ^_^

[Delta40]

I think if you remove some of the repetitive words and tighten it up a bit, you will have a surreal piece here.

[hillwalker]

It's an interesting piece but definitely needs some editing and tightening -

Certain lines or expressions are distracting because they make the reader focus on other things or question what you actually were trying to say:

between thumbs
between palms
and other limbs

why 'other limbs'? thumbs and palms are not limbs.

What is the 'hourglass of a camel'? Apart from the link to desert sands I don't see where the camel fits in.

And the 4th verse just makes no sense whatsoever - it sound terribly profound but is also rather a ramble and is grammatically incomprehensible.

There are also repetitions that weaken the piece as a whole:

particularly the 2 'tribes' in v 2 - and one 'viscous' too many as has already been noted.

You obviously enjoy the sound and feel of words, but that's no excuse to merely string them together because they sound grand. This is a bit of a mish-mash because you've allowed your erudition to override the message (assuming there is one).

- the sky is the limit - generally means there is no limit, so the premise for the poem is a little muddled.

H

[Astromaxis]

Thanks for your critique I really appreciate it



Certain lines or expressions are distracting because they make the reader focus on other things or question what you actually were trying to say:

between thumbs
between palms
and other limbs

why 'other limbs'? thumbs and palms are not limbs.


I know thumbs and palms aren't limbs but I just used the statement 'other limbs' because there are other limbs and so I just wrote it like that.



What is the 'hourglass of a camel'? Apart from the link to desert sands I don't see where the camel fits in.

I was fusing two symbols— the desert symbols of creature and sand



And the 4th verse just makes no sense whatsoever - it sound terribly profound but is also rather a ramble and is grammatically incomprehensible.

I am sorry you felt it was ramble but it had a purpose. It has been written correctly or at least grammatically correct if the meaning is too illusive then that is my shortcoming.



You obviously enjoy the sound and feel of words, but that's no excuse to merely string them together because they sound grand. This is a bit of a mish-mash because you've allowed your erudition to override the message (assuming there is one).

This poem does a overall meaning so I did not just write it with the intention to make it sound grand or merely a phonetic exercise. I can understand it is
vague and that is the prominent flaw.

I do thank you for all your comments ^_^

[hillwalker]

It has been written correctly or at least grammatically correct if the meaning is too illusive then that is my shortcoming.

maybe it is easier
to know that the originals
need variance
and multitudinous is a body
that is of flesh
and viscous blood
pumping in poison and purification
under two ranged microscopes

1 - I don't understand how 'variance' can be something that is needed - it's not a commodity or a quality. It's an abstract noun that means 'divergence'

2 - 'multitudinous' is an adjective meaning 'in great numbers' so it cannot be the subject of a verb - 'is' in this instance - nor can a body be multitudinous if that's what you were trying to convey

3 - again I don't know what a 'ranged microscope' means. The verb 'to range' has many meanings - mostly relating to extending beyond a certain point - but none seem to apply to microscopes.

It's not a case of being elusive - it's a case of choosing inappropriate words for the context or choosing to not write clearly. The verse as it stands would be impossible for most readers to figure out.

H

[Astromaxis]

I understand your queries but there are some misunderstandings I want to clear



1 - I don't understand how 'variance' can be something that is needed - it's not a commodity or a quality. It's an abstract noun that means 'divergence'

I know this was confusing thus I agree that this needs tweaking, however I do think "commodity" and "quality"are not truly always square cut so it is possible that our thoughts here are different.


2 - 'multitudinous' is an adjective meaning 'in great numbers' so it cannot be the subject of a verb - 'is' in this instance - nor can a body be multitudinous if that's what you were trying to convey

This was an aspect of poetic license and so I did not think it was too far fetched to write of it.



It's not a case of being elusive - it's a case of choosing inappropriate words for the context or choosing to not write clearly. The verse as it stands would be impossible for most readers to figure out.


I did mention that my main fault I felt was vagueness and so I just said what you said. I do not think that I lacked grammar but coherency I do agree.

I do agree that the symbols and execution were more vague than it initially seemed and that it might be better if some of my poems become more straightforward.

But thanks for all your comments ^_^ I am happy that you told me exactly what you did not like of the poem.