My Pagan Gal

[Delta40]

A crumpled floral cloth is hastily spread on damp grass.
The decrepit wicca basket we used to joke about is opened.
Are these the paltry victuals you prepare for me, your Dagda?
While I plough through soggy, saltless tomato sangers,
my heart dries up between thick slabs of stale bread.
You raise your hands skywards and murmur to Branwen
for the humble trappings of this romantic picnic,
whilst I sulk about all the other fish my hook will never land.
The thermos of milky white tea is shared like some ancient ritual.
How little I care for your ramblings!
Not even a babbling river mutes your paganistic chatter.
Will there be hope or solace when we stroll by the river?
A black swan decomposes on the tenebrous bank,
its maggot infested form coated in silt.
You weep solemnly while I ponder fluffly ducklings on the other side.
An aromatic candle is lit in reverence of that which has passed
and I endure your cacaphonic trill.
May the blessed sunlight rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
Why for God's sake!
You swing like a boisterous child from the swishing boughs.
Make love to me!
Here? Among rotting death and ducklings?
Of course you reply.
Don't you see it's a sign from the Goddess Abnoba?
We thrust uncomfortably on the grassy hill.
I endure your starchy response, amazed how you remind me of our tasteless repast.
I plunge once more into your idea of sensuality
yet I continue to yearn for the extra spice of life,
as much as I miss ground nutmeg in your apple tart.
I am certain it is that which would drive me deeper into your core.

[yuka]

Well Delta, I always get stuck by your plenty of unfamiliar words. Headacheing....:sad:

[ShadowsCool]

As usual Delta, you have a very descriptive style. I like it. I have to read it a few times to get the total feel for it. :)

[Delta40]

Sorry Yuka.

It's a poem about a man grown weary of his girlfriend and her uneducated pagan mumbo jumbo

thanks for your postings

[Delta40]

Do others think it is a concern when the reader does not understand the wording? I'm curious because of Yuka's comment and wonder if all poetry needs to be simplified

[beautiful_heart]

Well yes, Delta40 I must say that your vocabulary is something which I really admire. Your poems are too difficult for me also to understand. As I am not a poet so, I really don't know much about the poetry however as a reader I know one thing i.e if the poem or any piece of writing consists of too many difficult words then gradually, reader loses their interest because nobody likes to check out the meaning of each and every word all the time in dictionary.

So, its good that you are using good vocabulary in your writings as it enhances our vocabulary also but use only few difficult words in a poem so that we will enjoy your poem till the end. And yes, like your other poems, this one is also beautiful. :-)

[Delta40]

The Simple Version

A tablecloth that hasn't been ironed is spread on wet grass
The old picnic basket that we joked about is opened
Is the poor food that you made all you can offer your Celtic God?
While I eat the soggy, unsalted tomato sandwiches,
my heart dries up between the stale bread
You lift your arms to the sky and thank the Celtic Goddess Branwen
for the humble, yet romantic picnic,
while I get all sulky and wish I could land a different fish.
The flask of weak tea is shared like an old ceremony.
I don't care for your constant chatter!
Not even the river will drown out your babble (meaningless talk)
A black swan decomposes on the dingy bank,
its maggot infested body coated in filth
You weep quietly while I watch fluffy little ducklings on the other side of the river.
Then I have to listen to your awful out of tune singing
May the blessed sunlight rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
Why for God's sake!
You swing from a tree branch and say make love to me!
Here? among a rotting dead swan and fluffly little ducklings?
Of course you reply
Don't you see it's a sign from the Celtic Goddess Abnoba?
We screw each other on the uncomfortable grassy hill.
I put up with your stiff response and think how much like your crap food you are.
I attempt to screw you once more with your idea of a good root
but I really miss the spice of life
almost as much as I miss ground nutmeg in your apple tart
If there was more spice, I'd probably screw you more often

[hillwalker]

Don't Dumb Down Delta.

H

[Delta40]

Don't Dumb Down Delta.

H

You're right Hill.

[Dr.reid_16]

Delta, Hill is completely right. For example: A lot of people didn't really understand Picasso's art, yet it is still art. A poem misunderstood is still a poem. The reader changes for the poem, not the poem for the reader. Oh yeah by the way I really enjoyed it, as with all of your other work (:

[Dr.reid_16]

And sorry about the example, not the best one, but it was off the top of my head :p

[Delta40]

Delta, Hill is completely right. For example: A lot of people didn't really understand Picasso's art, yet it is still art. A poem misunderstood is still a poem. The reader changes for the poem, not the poem for the reader. Oh yeah by the way I really enjoyed it, as with all of your other work (:

I appreciate both your and Hill's feedback and you are particularly right in your comment. Why would I cater to the audience because a word might not be in their vocab? I have always trusted that each reader gives a poem their own interpretation so 'dumbing down' as Hill put it won't change that all.

Cheers.

[YesNo]

I found the idea of the decomposing black swan amusing. I usually think of black swans symbolizing ominous events that shouldn't be happening.

Although I think I understood most of the words in the original, and I liked "cacaphonic trill", I think the last line of the dumbed-down version is better than the last line of the original. It makes the point better.

[Delta40]

Although I think I understood most of the words in the original, and I liked "cacaphonic trill", I think the last line of the dumbed-down version is better than the last line of the original. It makes the point better.

lol. You can please some of the people some of the time... Thanks for your comment but I think the last line of the dumbed down version would seem incongruous with the original somehow, although I understand there is no mistaking what the last line means!

[winterroom]

I like this poem, in its uncondensed version. I did think 'tenebrous' was one rare word too many, when there are so many more resonant words to choose from.

I particularly enjoyed the condescending, self-important and joyless voice of the narrator. In retaliation I feel I need to swing boyishly from a tree branch at the next opportunity.

Hugh

[Delta40]

perhaps tenebrous was a little over the top. I doubt it will appear in any further postings from me!

thanks for your kind comments.

[Vignette]

I enjoyed your poem, Delta - both the original and simplified versions. Speaking for myself, as one who is new and not experienced in poetry, I did find your simplified version easier to understand, and then when I re-read the original, I got much more out of it.

Having said that, I think one should not change their original work of art to suit the reader. Just because I had difficulty grasping the original, doesn't mean others will.

However, I am conflicted when I write, because most everything I read about writing says to simplify, simplify, and simplify. Don't use a big word - use a small one. Don't use words most people don't know, etc. My first thought was that this was dumbing down poetry, but a few people have said it is not dumbing down, but rather connecting with the reader.

I see some truth in that, but to me simplifying is like censorship, and I don't think an artist's work should be censored. Let the audience love it, hate it, or be indifferent to it in its original and intended form.

[Delta40]

I understand what you mean and thanks for your input. I usually interpret simple not so much as to dumb down one's given vocabulary but to avoid unecessary wordage and descriptors that serve no real purpose. In my experience poems demand different approaches according to their theme. I know I'm not very clear on this but asking myself 'what do I really want to say here' is sometimes enough and I keep it short and sweet. Other times I want the reader to feel like they are on some kind of journey so I guess writing is about finding the style to fit what you want to write. Occasionally I write poems which rhyme because it seems appropriate for the content.

[beautiful_heart]

Delta I want to tell you that simplifying the poem doesn't mean dumping down. If you are writing for a people like me, who are new to the field of literature and poetry then, simple language is preferable however, if you are writing for the highly intellectual people like Hillwalker who have lots of experience in this field then your original style is best. It just depends upon you that who is your targeted reader. I hope you are getting me.

And yes, I like both the versions of your poem-simple and the original. :-)

[Delta40]

That's ok Beautiful Heart. First and foremost I write for myself and then the reader. You will appreciate that not everyone will enjoy or understand a poem. I did write My Child's Eyes this morning if you care to read it and I took care not to get lost in too much word use. Let me know if this is a more enjoyable read for you. Sometimes I find that poems call for different approaches.

As for your own journey I am happy to support and cheer you on and enjoy watching you develop in your own unique style

best wishes

[Doralace]

Dagda should have been more careful and at least take his Undry, the cauldron, with him on that picnic! We know about his appetites both for food and sex, less about how long could one girl use his attention! Here, definitely, he's chosen poorly, so his condescending tone is blameworthy, though you have rendered it with mastery.
Your poem describes the situation beautifully, permeates it with a somewhat haunting atmosphere. I speak of the original version, which I prefer.

Being a foreigner I often fall upon words I need to check in my dictionary, sometimes, because of my lack of knowledge in this or another area I have to read an article about a subject, but it's enriching and therefore I always do it gladly. As regards references from Celtic mythology, I've loved and studied it for some time, so here I wasn't at a loss.
It always takes more time to read a complex poem, but I'm in favour of devoting time to what broadens my horizons.

Thanks for sharing your poem,
D

[Delta40]

Dagda should have been more careful and at least take his Undry, the cauldron, with him on that picnic! We know about his appetites both for food and sex, less about how long could one girl use his attention! Here, definitely, he's chosen poorly, so his condescending tone is blameworthy, though you have rendered it with mastery.
Your poem describes the situation beautifully, permeates it with a somewhat haunting atmosphere. I speak of the original version, which I prefer.

Being a foreigner I often fall upon words I need to check in my dictionary, sometimes, because of my lack of knowledge in this or another area I have to read an article about a subject, but it's enriching and therefore I always do it gladly. As regards references from Celtic mythology, I've loved and studied it for some time, so here I wasn't at a loss.
It always takes more time to read a complex poem, but I'm in favour of devoting time to what broadens my horizons.

Thanks for sharing your poem,
D

Ah! It's so nice to get a review where the reader is not at a loss. You are officially my best friend on Lit-Net Doralace! ;)

[yuka]

Well Delta, I think you really pose a good question here (poetry needs to be simplified?), I am almost certain to answer:” yes, absolutely needs.” Poetry, is like people, the more greater, the more purity. Poetry needs to be simplified, but not stiff, like dead water without flow. Simplified is a difficult job (The higher the target, the greater progresses.), but if ones want to be a great poet they need to practice to achieve. And furthermore, If a simple line can describe perfectly, why and for what one want it to be verbose?
One thing we need to clear here is: we need to change to be better, but not to change to cater for other.
by the by, sorry is mine, not yours. I am very limited for English vocabulary. 

[Jerrybaldy]

is this some apple karma thing here lesley?

[Delta40]

We both think of apples and do cryptic crosswords and technically, I'm a non-smoker....

Bristol sounds more and more appealing :-)