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timelinezero
07-14-2011, 05:54 PM
Everyday the moon grows, and the sparrows sound off
Like pianos dropped from the clouds
Thoughts of you in a white gown, like curtains thrown over a window
I'll never see
These days by the light house, the waves, a wake
in the morning I'm cracking up
Like peanut brittle, falling apart at your feet
You once asked if I remember when we were in love
There's still no answer, but my fingers reach for the corner of the paper
Only to find the next page
These lungs barely breathe, and there's no heart to keep in beat,
choked up on lust peppered in dust
I'm blown out like the black angels horns, into a fever dream that I'd sewn myself into my sheets, on the day her ghost was born
Just soul left to soak in words I'll never hear, of our passion never spoken
It fades into a shroud of spiraling cigarette smoke
The mist of misery never forgotten
But the fireflies are my lamplight's buzzing, the electricity still humming in my head
Her lips paint red, pretty circles, and time and time again we're back to the stars where we began
But we push the world with every step, the moon and I, but tonight it's pulled us back
With one foot upon our point in space, like a heavenly boot upon my face
We're actors genuflecting to a crowd, whenever the sun goes out.

Twota
07-14-2011, 06:04 PM
i like it ;D but not too wordy?

timelinezero
07-14-2011, 06:24 PM
i like it ;D but not too wordy?

Thanks Twota hahaha, I've been having trouble lately with trying to express myself without the use of a lot of words. It's been quite a while since I was allowed to write anything at all.

Delta40
07-14-2011, 07:01 PM
like pianos dropped from the sky doesn't gel with the lightness of sparrows. Do you mean piano notes perhaps? Otherwise you're certainly a romantic poet!

hillwalker
07-14-2011, 08:25 PM
It's been quite a while since I was allowed to write anything at all.

I didn't realise there were laws against writing like this. I'm assuming you have been given parole. :-)

It is indeed wordy and sellf-consciously awkward in places :

choked up on lust peppered in dust

struck me as a particularly dreadful attempt at sounding poetical. It's meaningless.

Why not keep things simple and concise?

H

paperleaves
07-17-2011, 12:15 PM
I can definitely hear your poetic voice in this piece. I don't agree with Hillwalker, sometimes the experimentation with what some see as "meaningless" creates the best poems :) Especially since you haven't written in a while, I think it's important to keep in mind. Thank you for sharing, I look forward to reading more.

timelinezero
07-17-2011, 12:47 PM
I can definitely hear your poetic voice in this piece. I don't agree with Hillwalker, sometimes the experimentation with what some see as "meaningless" creates the best poems :) Especially since you haven't written in a while, I think it's important to keep in mind. Thank you for sharing, I look forward to reading more.

Thank you, I have an immense amount of free time right now so my mind's been kind of stir crazy. I'm reminded of something I once said as a joke I think it went something like "I used to think Bukowski was such a bad-***, but then I remembered that he wrote poetry". I don't know, my focus is on all aspects of art right now. I've missed so much, it's going to take me a while to find my own way again.

Doralace
07-17-2011, 05:17 PM
If it could do with a bit more concision, it's still so poetic and romantic! I love it. And thank you for sharing it. Do you really have an awful lot of time?! Oh, how envious I am! Hope there is more to come from you. D