Midnight

[MystyrMystyry]

Midnight

A hostage situation

Three black trucks pull up around the corner
Black military cyborgs pour out and surround

Orchestrate an entrance

One points to a light upstairs

Two climb through
A rear window
While two get in to the bathroom

Four scale up to the roof
Ready to take the upper

And four
Kick in the front door

Silence

Red lasers criss cross throughout the darkness

At last everyone in place

A strange sound emanating from behind the door
Amplified through their headsets

One slowly turns the handle

Synchronised to the abseiling roofers
All storm in with the crash of boots on glass

A bed

A naked old fellow
Saying hello to himself

'Freeze!'

But his eyes shut tight in the oblivious bliss of his own moment
The handshake intensifies

'I said freeze! Are you deaf!?'

No reply
Just an increased agitation


'You sure this is the right address?'

'Actually - Hang on, I'll check...'


And then a yelp of personal pleasure

Followed by a gasp of relief

'Oh you got the right address, boys - sure you did!'

[Delta40]

Omg! Mr. I'm speechless over this suspense filled humourous poem. Very vivid (not what I really wanted to imagine though!) You just lost the Dr Seuss title on this one I think :-)

[Hawkman]

Well... It's not great literature, and certainly not poetry. It's more like a funny screenplay for a 30 second trailer for a bawdy comedy show. Pick the right one, submit it as an idea for a sketch, and you could be in the money.

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks Delta. Cases like this occur quite often apparently, but they're covered up by the respective arm of enforcement because they don't look good.

The moral dilemma presented of course is what to do in this situation? Carry on with what you've started in your own house until you've finished? Or stop because some lost intruding knobs have told you to?

Here's the poet in his own bed pleasuring himself immeasurably, not bothering anyone - when suddenly he's invaded upon by a para-military wing of the government and ordered to desist. So he shuts his eyes and ears to the absurdity of his predicament and when he's ready utters the first thing that comes to mind.

:)


Thanks Hawkman - I guess...

[Hawkman]

You're welcome. I'm serious, btw. It's very funny and you have the ability to write describing action in flash-cuts. It's incredibly visual. Have you done any screenwriting? If you haven't you should give it a try.

Best, H

PS. Despite your exposition to Delta there is another interpretation on the punchline when read at face value: that the man in the bed had actually summoned the raiders to enhance his appreciation of the moment, if you get my drift. There is a precident for this interpretation, in that back in the 90's there was a surreal TV sitcom over here that had an episode where the lead female housewife character accidentally got logged on to the US President's website and ordered a raid on her own house by scantily dressed Navy SEALs. - H

[Delta40]

I thought the old fella (heh heh) had summoned a group of GI Joes to help him along with his fantasy too....

[MystyrMystyry]

He might have Delta - I don't know every motivation of my characters - I can't even keep up with my own (motivations)...


I've done a re-read of your first critique Hawk and you distinctly described it as not poetry, so I've added a

[everyadventure]

Ew. Talk about a bad day at work!! Feel sorry for those fellas.

[MystyrMystyry]

Serves 'em right - they could've got a real job if they tried...

[Jerrybaldy]

You are consistantly readable and enjoyable MM. It doesnt really matter if it is poetry or what it is, it is always original always from a different slant. Some things posted here I can see are incredibly well structured but fail to capture the imagination. You always seem to capture mine. b

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks JB