The Visitation Walk

[ShadowsCool]

The Death

Frolicking snow meanders throughout
Throughout an horizon
Blanketing your memory.

Shivering roses slither off
Quiver off dreary hands
Hands committing all they can

To gaze your face
Framed again
Amid the high beautiful sky.

Swept into another day
Another day less sleep
A sleep will only entrap me.

Remind me of you and I
With love our guide
Showing us our rainbow,
Our colors of joy.

It makes no sense
No sense to live
When enduring is filled with such pain.

This forsaken day
Won't pass away
Those trembling thoughts
Infusing my conscious
With all of you.

I care not to see
What was once our nest of love.
Constructed carefully,
Only to be shattered.
Shattering my existence,
Existing
But for you
My true love.

And frivolous snow meanders throughout
Throughout onto icy roses
Displayed wistfully on your grave.


The Visitation Walk

I walked weary from the day through
A heart heavy with sadness in view
With a bunch of flowers purple and red
A water jug pointing where you were put to bed.

Inside a glimpse I caught a shadow
Casting its spell on the autumn scene,
Then I noticed a pearly figure
A rush of excitement took hold of me.

There your smile mingled with me
A slice of heaven filled my soul,
There I viewed a stairway winding upwards
And heard your laughter as you turned around.

Then I thought of what to ask of you
Trying to weed through my emotions,
Feelings were exploding all in front of me
I was rendered useless.

Captured I was by hearing your words,
Comforted knowing they were from your lips,
Breathless I was by your familiar phrase,
Locked I was inside your gaze.

Why I saw you outside my dreams?
It's unlike me to set you free
Away from where my thoughts can hold you
Tight inside me.

We carried on best we could
Sharing the very last conversation
Before you left on your journey
To set yourself free.

We talked on as the moment drew
We brought us to our happy days,
With the Leaves that were falling
Coloring the ground,
I saw in lockstep your walk with mine.

I wanted to touch you
I wanted to scream
I felt my heart wildly beat,
Then I heard what I always felt
Your love for me is my love for you.

It ended where
You went back up
And I was left with sadness,
For I could not join you.
Nonetheless, you showed you never left
It's then I understood.

As I touched your headstone
Placing a rose nearby
I remembered what you said;
I can always find you
In unexpected ways.

On that visitation
Much I never got to ask
As I dithered back to your memory
To this very day.

[hillwalker]

Two very touching poems...

I prefer the second for its simple affirmation of loss, even though it's probably the least poetic of the pair. And it could probably be cut back a little.

The first has some neat little touches - the repetitions of certain phrases work very well.
But there are some lines that don't make absolute sense due to the words you have chosen :

Frolicking snow meanders throughout
Throughout an horizon

meanders throughout an horizon just makes no sense - neither as a description of how snowflakes move (meander means to weave from side to side rather like a snake) nor of its position in relation to the horizon. How can anything be throughout the horizon?

Shivering roses slither off... dreary hands

again - why 'slither'? It's just totally the wrong verb to describe roses falling from one's hands - and how can hands be 'dreary'?

and finally

To gaze your face
Framed again
Amid the high beautiful sky.

I'm assuming you meant 'gaze at your face' - and 'framed again by the sky'

'high beautiful' doesn't add very much to the image of the sky btw - to begin with, the sky is high by definition.

The poem does improve after the opening 3 verses, probably because you have tried to keep it simple and stop trying to dazzle the reader with descriptions.

I think you need to get your hands on a decent dictionary and/or thesaurus in order to avoid using words out of context and to broaden your vocabulary. Both books are invaluable tools when it comes to finding new ways to express yourself.

H

[ShadowsCool]

H

Okay much to ponder with your words. I understand what your saying. I use certain words that make no grammatical sense. I get by on gut, but that is reaching in the dark. I am working on my English as you point out. I hope to show some improvements with my future poems and revisions. Thanks for you solid input.

Shadows

[yuka]

The Death: Again, I love the ending lines. but except that, you really need to make a good refineing from the others, in addtion, remember that, the adjectives are the enemy of the nouns. It works well when you write upon this rule. of course, it's not completely correct, but true most of time.

The Visitation Walk: Well, this piece completely steps into the mode of the prose.

[everyadventure]

Frolicking + meander doesn't really work... frolic means to be playful, active, while meandering is more like wandering aimlessly, dawdling... I really liked the line "hands committing all they can" in that poem.

My favorite line in the next poem was "It's unlike me to set you free," there's such bare honesty in those words.

[ShadowsCool]

Yuka, everyadventure:

Okay, thanks. I really take all your words to heart. I need to get better with my English in order to express myself clearly. Thank you for going over them and telling me where I can improve myself.

Shadows