listen to my heart

[virginiawang]

I am worried because I heard many people say things opposite from what I know. I cannot see what's before me, and I do not know what will happen. I feel as if I were blind, groping in darkness, unable to reach the truth, so I decided to follow the directions of my heart and listen closely to it, which told me just now that he will not let me down. He is still him.

[Panglossian]

You seem obsessed with the "he" person. Is he the leader of your cult?

[V.Jayalakshmi]

Yes, me too wants to know that.Apart from that I can understand that feeling of having different experiences.It is because every human being has different life experiences.So according to that their reactions to happenings around will differ.That is why priorities differ.Even persons very closely related to us , say a husband, a son, a daughter will think different from us.

In my life it has happened innumerable times.

[thebagman]

Who is "he"?

[virginiawang]

He is my lover.

For reasons of his own, he does not talk to me quite as much as he used to. I have a great deal of things to tell him now, but he seldom responds to me recently. Though he does not speak now, I know he always listens to me with attentive ears everytime I talk to him. He only tells me the most important decision we've made, when I want to engage a conversation with him each evening.

My heart has been burned with fire since I heard the old woman's voice in a call, which I answered accidentally. She said nothing important with an intent to try me, for whatever reason I do not know and do not care to know either, in an artful tone which aroused my disgust to the utmost. I really want to ask him if he is still working on fighting against her, on punishments, namely. Punishments are good and necessary in situations where dogs are concerned, because dogs will beg the most only when they are punished severely but bark the loudest when they are spared of punishments. Though the woman is merely a dog, she needs punishment, for I heard my heart address my deepest yearning to punish her. He loves me. I think he will continue with this task, but I am not sure if he still wants to do it now. I should have asked him in person, but the problem is he does not talk now.

I live alone, so I do not have people to talk to and to ask questions. It becomes a big problem that he stopped talking with me lately, so I can only write down more of my concerns here, to address my friends here and to let him read it. I believe him, but I am worried. Once or twice lately, I somehow got the feeling that I have resided in another reality away from human beings, but the feeling only lasted for a while before it was negated, with evidence of course. I must believe in myself, in him, and in his words.

[G L Wilson]

Your love troubles are no business of mine, virginiawang. But Christ I feel sorry for you. You are obviously a very lonely woman in need of great deal of help, and you are just not getting any help from anyone. Do you have family? Can you turn to them for help? I come from good people. Without them, I feel miserable. I still have my sisters and my brother. But loneliness is a dreadful enemy. I fear that I will die alone, but doesn't everyone really? Sadness. It's incurable.

[virginiawang]

G L Wilson, I don't want to reply to your post, but you are wrong.

[iamnobody]

My heart has been burned with fire since I heard the old woman's voice in a call, which I answered accidentally. She said nothing important with an intent to try me, for whatever reason I do not know and do not care to know either, in an artful tone which aroused my disgust to the utmost. I really want to ask him if he is still working on fighting against her, on punishments, namely. Punishments are good and necessary in situations where dogs are concerned, because dogs will beg the most only when they are punished severely but bark the loudest when they are spared of punishments. Though the woman is merely a dog, she needs punishment, for I heard my heart address my deepest yearning to punish her. He loves me. I think he will continue with this task, but I am not sure if he still wants to do it now. I should have asked him in person, but the problem is he does not talk now.


Anyone else find this deeply disturbing?

[virginiawang]

I must explain. The old woman I mentioned severel times in a great deal of posts here, whom I hate so much is my female parent. She is the one I've revenged harshly upon. My boyfriend loves me, so he punished her again and again, after the fatal blow he gave her. We both are waiting for her death, which is imminent. She is now suffering from stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer has spread to her lungs now. Fortune smiles to me, it seems.

What I've written in those posts above might have misled some of you into thinking that he does not love me, since he does not talk now, so I believe I must explain more. He does not talk because he wants to take care of me in a real sense, when I am left all alone here, all my relatives having become our enemies including my beloved grandma whom I grew up with. Once or twice lately, I dreamed of my grandma, who left me and disappeared a year ago, and I felt an acute pain in my heart at the moment I woke up, being torn away from the dream in an instant, and from her. I learned the fact that it was a dream only, and I was still here by myself. He does not say anything except his promise because he wants me to know that he meant it. I am worried, but I believe in him.

Lately I do not dream of my grandma as much as I did a few months ago when I returned to my house myself. I do not suffer from those painful moments in which I woke suddenly, torn away from my grandma and my dream forcefully, when I yearned to return to my dream so much, in vain. Yesterday I also dreamed of her, but she stood by the side of that old woman, my female parent, arousing my feelings of defense. I didn't feel my heart pain at the moment I woke up this morning. I've been together with her since I was born, and it is the first time we parted for such a long time. Perhaps I do not have an opportunity to see her once more in my life. Let it be.

I found my face somewhat swollen when I looked into the mirror this morning, doing my hair. It was much bigger than it used to be because of my bleeding problems. I will have to wait for around two weeks when I vomit blood again, with the help of a strong woman, to look pretty all at once, as if with magic. My face will become small after the blood gets out. I will put on make up and wear my contact lenses by the time my face recovers its natural shape. To recover its shape, I also need the help of an ENT doctor, who cuts off the blood clots in my ears with a knife before he sucks them out, and the help of a dentist, who drains my saliva glands. I am looking forward to look pretty after a few months when I leave my house forever.

[thebagman]

I've bought your book and I'm looking forward to reading it.

[virginiawang]

I am so glad that you've bought my book. Thank you. Though the first half of the book is more about hatred and distress, the second half is about love.

[beautiful_heart]

I can understand and really feel bad that you are going through such a low phase of life. May god bless you!

[thebagman]

Is this "he" God by any chance?



Anyone else find this deeply disturbing?

Have you read any of her other posts?


I can understand and really feel bad that you are going through such a low phase of life. May god bless you!

Me or her?

[G L Wilson]

Is this "he" God by any chance?

There's a bloody good chance of that, I reckon. I never thought that that was the matter. Brilliant, thebagman!


Me or her?

lol...

[virginiawang]

Is this "he" God by any chance?

NO, he is my boyfriend a few years younger than I am. He is a gangster.


Is this "he" God by any chance?

I do not believe in God. I was really hurt by your question. Why did you ever think of my boyfriend as God? Is it because the word punishment, which I used, to describe what he did, upon my female parent? He is a gangster.
I am getting really discouraged by this question. How can my boyfriend ever become God? Then who am I?

[thebagman]

Then who am I?

I don't know.

[virginiawang]

I found it so difficult to create even one sentence in English now by my muddled head because I've been too angry since I received a call from my aunt this evening. She is a nun, an insincere bad nun. She talked to me at length about things that are just insincere that made me wonder why she insisted on talking. I was reading a book when she called, and we started to talk, she assuming a most friendly and benignant tone, one that really befits a nun. She lied, for the most part.

I am glad that I can follow the bidding of my heart tomorrow, and do something that really makes me me. I will leave home early at noon tomorrow after I get up and go to the home of one of my friends. She is a strong woman. I like her. She will give me a great deal of presents tomorrow, she told me when she invited me to her home just a moment ago. She is really strong, though not as mighty as a man or my grandma, when blood discharge is concerned. She really alleviated my pain and improved my health two weeks ago by offering help to me when I vomitted blood. She is one of those rare people who are very sincere. She talked little but genuinely, all the time. Unlike the nun, she said what she saw, what she felt. What she said always corresponds to what she thought, without any pretense. My aunt, the nun, hugged me and cried bitter tears when she saw blood gushing out of my mouth, and then she escaped. She will never come again for fear of taking responsibility, if I die. I wonder where those tears came from? It must be very difficult to create tears when one harbours some indifferent concerns, I think, so I ranked the nun as one of those super. I do not like them.

Tears are transparent and they carry the message of being beautiful. I think the nun sullied the idea of crying by what she did. If she did not really feel sad and care, it was truly unnecessary to cry. Why didn't she tell me directly that she was scared, that she wanted to escape, that I had got no business with her? I think that's better.

I've always wanted to become a real gangster myself, but I never became a real one. Though I did make announcements for my boyfriend for some time last year, and that accounted for the happiest moments I've ever had in my life. To make it plainer, I announced for him, warned my relatives to beware of me, and they all, as with one accord, treated me with respect and fear, cursing me behind me. I was so glad to make all of those insincere people my enemies, and felt triumphantly that I was a part of the devil's world. Perhaps I've already become a gangster, though I didn't really join them formally. Now I am more than ever sure that I belong to that world. Toward the end of the year, I will leave. I believe in him, and I will go with him to whereever. China and the US are the same to me because I've almost become a recluse, spending way too much time on computer. I will spend time with him. too. I wish time could fly faster than it does, and bring me to the end of the year, to him and our home.

I guess one of the reasons that accounted for the fact that I didn't become a real gangster is I am not as smart. I am really smart, but the quality of being smart twisted in a strange way. I can think fast, but it seems that more often than not what I think differs from what most people think. I can analyze well, but the result of this analysis does not fit into the planet we live.... I well remember those episodes in which I made phone calls to my relatives and warned them one by one, to be able to laugh with my boyfriend, and I really love my role as an announcement maker at that time. My life sparkled. Perhaps I was made a gangster already during the time I warned those insincere relatives of mine. I do not know. It really doesn't matter if I join the gang or not, because my heart gave me the identity of a gangster since long time ago.

In addition to being the wife of a gangster, I will continue to write. Once or twice lately, I wondered how I can create a novel, if I am always obssessed with my own life.

[tonywalt]

Gangster? Do you mean in the Bloods and Crips? Or in the more white collar Russian gangster?

And he travels? This points us more towards the Russian or white collar organized criminal.

[G L Wilson]

I don't know.

I don't want to know.

[Calidore]

What I'm getting from this is that you're in an obsessive and submissive relationship with a very controlling man ("He only tells me the most important decision we've made"), who possibly beats you ("I found my face somewhat swollen when I looked into the mirror this morning, doing my hair. It was much bigger than it used to be because of my bleeding problems"; and also your incorrect but possibly self-justifying comment about punishments being good and necessary). Furthermore, it sounds like your family's disapproval/concern about this unhealthy relationship has resulted in your turning on them and branding them enemies in your mind. (I hope the implication that he's physically abusing, with your blessing, your cancer-ridden mother isn't so.)

On the other hand, this being a literature forum and you apparently being a writer, I'm hoping that what you've written above is simply an exercise in getting into the head of a difficult character.

[Venerable Bede]

Anyone else find this deeply disturbing?

Very much so.

I think we need an explanation of why virginiawang hates her mother so much. Because right now, it sounds like her poor mother is stuck in a third world country overrun with gangsters, and is at the mercy of her daughters evil boyfriend who beats her despite the fact that she's dying of cancer.

And we're supposed to feel sorry for you? That's ok, I sympathize with the mother here instead.

[Vonny]

Anyone else find this deeply disturbing?


Yes, this kind of "creativity" is the reason I avoid television.

[G L Wilson]

Yes, this kind of "creativity" is the reason I avoid television.

The stuff on tv is certainly junk.

[virginiawang]

who possibly beats you ("I found my face somewhat swollen when I looked into the mirror this morning, doing my hair. It was much bigger than it used to be because of my bleeding problems"
You are wrong. I have aplastic anemia. My bone marrow does not produce all blood cells on a regular basis, so I bleed. When too much bleeding occurs in my organs, my face swells up. I have to vomit blood once a month. He will not allow anyone to beat me.


I hope the implication that he's physically abusing, with your blessing, your cancer-ridden mother isn't so.
What really happened was much more than what you've alluded here.


On the other hand, this being a literature forum and you apparently being a writer, I'm hoping that what you've written above is simply an exercise in getting into the head of a difficult character.

What I wrote was nothing but the truth.


Gangster? Do you mean in the Bloods and Crips? Or in the more white collar Russian gangster?

And he travels? This points us more towards the Russian or white collar organized criminal.

What is the difference between the two kinds of gangsters?

[Calidore]

You are wrong. I have aplastic anemia. My bone marrow does not produce all blood cells on a regular basis, so I bleed. When too much bleeding occurs in my organs, my face swells up. I have to vomit blood once a month. He will not allow anyone to beat me.

Glad to be wrong about that, though I've never heard of those symptoms of anemia (granted, I'm not a doctor). Organ bleeding and vomiting blood should send you to a hospital immediately.


What really happened was much more than what you've alluded here.


What I wrote was nothing but the truth.

I think it would be to your benefit to clarify ASAP, because what you've written pretty much obligates the moderators to put a location to the IP you're posting from and send the police round.

[G L Wilson]

What I wrote was nothing but the truth.

I don't think you know what the truth is anymore, frankly.

[virginiawang]

I don't think you know what the truth is anymore, frankly.

Of course I know what happened to me in my life.

[G L Wilson]

Of course I know what happened to me in my life.

The truth, not truth. Someone has sold you a dud world picture.

[virginiawang]

My dear grandma has come back. I am so happy indeed that I can see her again. I never expected that I had such a chance in my life, only a few months ago, when I suffered from the moments I awoke from dreams, in which I lingered with grandma. I love my grandma. She will visit me tomorrow, so I've bought a great deal of food stuff to get prepared for her visit. We will enjoy a great dinner. She really loves me. She will protect me and hand me over to my future husband, so she came back. I was a bit choked by emotion when I reached thus. I love her forever.

[Alexander III]

Not to be an *******, but how did the serious discussion forum turn into the "Tell everyone about my personal and irrelevant and dull s.h.i.t forum"

I believe the proper term is a blog...

[tonywalt]

True Alexander III, but now I am hopelessly addicted to the story. For instance, how will the "hand off" from the Grandmother back to her husband go along?

[virginiawang]

For instance, how will the "hand off" from the Grandmother back to her husband go along?

Thank you, Tonywalt. I read your second sentence for at least ten times, but I do not understand it.

I am not married now. I said something about my future husband, and my grandma, who loves me and him. Though she has only seen him once, about 8 years ago. He said, " What happened to your foot?", and not hearing my answer, turned quickly and ran into the classroom, out of our sight.

[tonywalt]

Do you think that you will marry him?

And I have to know - what country are you living in?

[virginiawang]

Yes, we want to get married. A big problem has always been there. However I trust his capabilities. I live in Taiwan.



It is very likely that we will have to wait until our next life because somehow or other I feel that the problem I mentioned above has been more powerful, since the time I met my boyfriend. It is a sad fate.

[virginiawang]

My female parent suffered so much after she learned in a phone call that I've been getting much healthier, that I am looking forward to doing interpretation. I can never understand why such parents ever exist on earth. I do not have time to feel anger because my life now is too occupied.
I used to tell my boyfriend she does not count. Then we both laughed. She really does not count. I never thought about her once before I submitted the post here. She left my mind.



I don't believe me when I said she left. A feel of disgust and hatred came to me when her face turned up in my mind. Anyway I've had my revenge upon her. I know I am evil. I am evil because I hate her.

[tonywalt]

Virginia,

This is so well said, it really sums up the situation. How do you simplify such complexity so well?

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Well, this thread could possibly be the most ****ed up thing I’ve ever read on LitNet. Implicit sadistic punishment, fatal blows to a mother, rejoicing at said mother’s imminent death, vomiting blood (and other blood details), gangsters, crying nuns, threatening relatives, resurrected grandmothers, a self proclamation (almost Miltonic) of evil.

Seriously, what the ****?

[cl154576]

Well, this thread could possibly be the most ****ed up thing I’ve ever read on LitNet. Implicit sadistic punishment, fatal blows to a mother, rejoicing at said mother’s imminent death, vomiting blood (and other blood details), gangsters, crying nuns, threatening relatives, resurrected grandmothers, a self proclamation (almost Miltonic) of evil.

Seriously, what the ****?

I might be missing something, but this thread does not disturb me. The blood and the gang seem a little fantastical but not disturbing.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

I didn't say disturbing. Just ****ed up. Frankly, I was laughing a lot just because it is all so absurd.

[cl154576]

The writing style is clichéd. It seems overly geared toward impressing an audience, and as a result it loses its effect on me although I suppose it should be serious.

[virginiawang]

resurrected grandmothers
Did I write anything that misled you into thinking that my grandma died? No, she didn't. She left me for quite a long time, not answering my calls, not opening her door when I went to her. She listens to and follows the direction of her son, whom she loves more, I sadly concluded.


The writing style is clichéd. It seems overly geared toward impressing an audience, and as a result it loses its effect on me although I suppose it should be serious.

No, it is not true. I do not like the way you described me and my writing. I never wanted to impress you.

[cl154576]

I do not like the way you described me and my writing.

That's most unfortunate.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

If you're going to post on public forums and write in such an artsy style, you should be prepared to receive and accept criticism. I agree with cl . . . the writing seems very melodramatic, and the style of stating one thing after another with little transition wears thin after a bit. And it did seem like you're going for bit of a shock factor, with the sudden interjections of vomiting blood and gangster stuff. Add to that that you're trying to be deadly serious, and it just makes me chuckle. I think with a more authentic voice (i.e., one that isn't trying so hard to write like a literary great), the evocation of the type you seem to want to provoke could be achieved.

[virginiawang]

Virginia,

This is so well said, it really sums up the situation. How do you simplify such complexity so well?

Thank you, Tony. I will think more and write in length about my phone, soon.

I never bothered to argue with people I do not like. To ignore what they said is what I've always been doing. They do not count.
As for my writing style, I will start another thread or post to inform my friends here, in length. Let me drop some hints here. I jumped from this thought to that randomly, and I've had fun doing it. I think the style of my writing is somewhat close to stream of consciousness.

[virginiawang]

I was so glad after I finished with my translation work in the middle of a midnight, in one of those internet cafes. I love reading just about everything in English and saying it in my own words, with sentences somewhat close to literature. I felt a sense of achievement after I learned and covered two pages about tea. In the end of the work, I was required to translate some text that gave me the feel of a poem. It was beautifully written. I was required to express the beauty of those ideas in English. I think I did a good work. I am looking forward to purchasing Britannica Encyclopedia, perhaps online, by which I can do works better.

[tonywalt]

Sorry. I just wanted to hear more about the Phone. It's just been playing on my mind. I am having a drink at the local pub and I think about it. What is the status of it? Is it a Blackberry? Is it a Android? Is it still connected?

It is riveting material here, and quite possibly to most abstract approach to talking about a phone since proto-celtic times.

I have to brush my teeth with my electronic toothbrush now, which seems to be slowing down..........hhmm. A new thread? Electronic Toothbrush?

I welcome the forums thoughts:wink5:

[virginiawang]

I will start another thread, also entitled A Phone, tomorrow. It is getting into the midnight here.

[virginiawang]

I do not know if I fainted away or had been dreaming only, before my computer, with my head rested on the desk, almost unconsciously. It lasted for a short space of time. I woke up, and learned the fact that I had stopped in the course of my reading, which I read without a heart, not knowing what happened in the story I read. Vague ideas came to me in those dreamy moments, when I, half awake, half asleep, stayed before my computer here.

[tonywalt]

Strange. The same thing just happened to me.

[virginiawang]

Fortune smiles to me, it seems. I am starting with two short biographies today. It seems that some of those translation companies have been routed, more than they wish, after I sent a letter to all, to make correction of the grammatical mistakes, made by the one which failed me and offered me with a funny version. Ever since the correction of grammar in that letter, not one single company wishes to correct my writing. They don't even allow an English word out from their mouths, to be heard by me. I told a boss yesterday that I would get a pen and a piece of paper, on which I would make notes of the phone call, which he appointed a couple of hours before....

Somehow or other I believe in evilness.

[tonywalt]

Good idea. I often use filenotes as a weapon.

I have fond memories of Taiwan. I went there as a child and my parents bought me an electronic helicopter that worked for almost a week - but a fun week.

I also had got a rolly bowly clown while I was in Taiwan. Again, brilliant fun.

[virginiawang]

My words failed me because I was failed by, not words only, but feelings, ideas, voices, everything, now at this moment. My phone rushed away from my scope of knowledge, with his utmost effort. I do not know if I am angry or sad, but I feel a strong urge to start another thread, as soon as possible.



Perhaps my phone is not bad. The word, phone, is a ridiculous word in itself, because it escaped the definition given by either a dictionary or a phone card company. Perhaps I shouldn't have started the thread, a phone, a year ago, that led me to such a wonderful joke. I believe I am a joke.

[virginiawang]

I want to inform all my readers here of a fact, worthy of the attention of all. I've become more than ever successful in my career. I will do my best to reach the level of perfection in all the translation works given to me. I believe in stars and Emerson. I am leaving.

Perhaps I will come back soon? Yes. sure.

[cl154576]

... Rather melodramatic?

[zoolane]

I am sorry last contact ever.

[Delta40]

I don't get this thread in serious discussion. What are you trying to say about yourself that we all need to know?

[cl154576]

I don't get this thread in serious discussion. What are you trying to say about yourself that we all need to know?

I don't know ... It seems it should be a blog.

[tonywalt]

Crestfallen.

[virginiawang]

I believe in the beautiful heart. At the most dangerous moment yesterday, when I was left alone, suffering from blood, he didn't leave me. I was relieved of my pain and blood, in a short time, before I was moved into tears. Even grandma did not answer my calls at that critical moment. It was really a moment of life and death. I had been suffereing with some blood, left in my body, burning and scorching my stomach, when all at once the boss of strong women and unknown men came, and relieved me of my pain. She patted on my back to help me with the rest of the blood.