Raging Silence & 3 others

[ShadowsCool]

Raging Silence

The loaded breath looked at me in raging silence.
My limbs went numb as to run behind the blanket of my skin.
I suppose one should know better than to tangle with her.
She being 5 ft 7 with long wavy hair,
But her personality stood 8 feet tall.

Against her I was just a shy boy unloading my earthly charm,
As she mulched through me like a bull on a farm,
Huffing and puffin out what remained of my skin,
Pealing me off one by one in the rage of the sun,
As I became dust drifting in the sunlight.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Gentle To Sleep

Death shall feed me no more
Freed of my intellection
That worn cold my dreams,
I hold on to fluttering wings
On the clouds to the blue
Through the deep black,
To the ribbon end of His mercy
Where I shall be rocked to sleep
And be gentle among the stars








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







For No One

There in the tattered remains
Rest my soul; peace at last
From the globe that circles
The sphere of my misunderstanding.

I write
My last testament,
A victim of the false prophets
Who came knocking on my door.

I was on watch
Searching for God,
But found myself
A solitary figure.

Staring out my dusty window
At the silent moon,
Peaking back at me
Telling me the truth.

I'm all there is.
No trumpets in the sky,
No redeemer.
Me holding my breath for
A lonely fool.








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





This is a Bible inspired piece. Not meant to be anything more.
Please don't be critical.

The Immaculate One

Holy Mary
Blessed art thou who was given a Son.
The Immaculate Birth,
Who's going's back is from the infancy of time.

A Miracle from God!
Who was to be ruler of the world
The One spoken from the prophets of old.

For a Virgin will give birth
And she will bare a Son
And He will be ruler of all.
His name will mean Mighty One!
And all will be subject under Him.

The Great Counselor
The Son of God
God Himself!
To be born in Bethlehem
In a meager manger
Under the star of David,
Who's going's forth
Are from the infancy of time.

And He will be a Great Counselor
And many will flock to His Word
And many great miracles He will perform.
And not a Word He will speak
That was not given from God.

For God will give Him wisdom
And He will grow in stature.
And He will be descended on by the Holy Spirit
And He will show many great deeds.

For He is of God, full of His Glory.
The first born of creation,
The Fullness of the Godhead within.

For in the beginning was the Word
And the Word was with God
And the Word was God!

As John so eloquently spoke
Amen.

[yuka]

Well, Shadows, you really created many great poems.

Like I said, you are to write with your heart. Within your poems, there is much great stuff, and I noted that most of your pomes there is a brilliant ending, if a poem has a good opening and ending, then it achieves half of the success. But meanwhile from my view, if you can slightly control your emotion to let go your lines more nature and concise; and not just for rhyme to pick some bum words to impede the more effective employing, your poems will be better and better

However, though, as you youself know clearly, you got a noble quality inside , and this is the most important, only this,just only this, can compose a very lovely poem.

[hillwalker]

Raging Silence

I like the idea of a young man using his skin as a matador's cape to protect him from a rather overpowering female but I think you could have utilised the metaphor more subtly and in doing so reduced the poem by half.

Firstly : The loaded breath looked at me - makes no sense - whose loaded breath? and how can breath look at you?
Similarly : My limbs went numb as to run behind the blanket of my skin - the underlined bit is grammatically incorrect and vague - what you are trying to say I assume is My limbs went numb as I hid behind the blanket of my skin.

Lines 3 to 5 unfortunately change the style of the poem completely, transforming it into some smart, throwaway line a stand-up comic might deliver. They kill the poem and suddenly make us question why you bothered with the preceding metaphor at all.

Verse 2 is again a mixture of good and bad :

Against her I was just a shy boy unloading my earthly charm,

made me question what it was you were actually unloading. 'Testing' would fit better if you're trying to suggest a shy, rather clumsy teenager. And why 'against her'? Do you mean 'compared to her'? If so, there's probably no need to include it because you then show the way her behaviour contrasted his.

As she mulched through me like a bull on a farm,

makes absolutely no sense - rhyming 'farm' with 'charm' seems the only reason why you would come up with such a weak line. 'Mulching' means treating the soil with rotted matter, so unless she was defecating all over you....... and you can't mulch 'through' anything either.

Huffing and puffin [puffing?] out what remained of my skin,
Pealing [Peeling?] me off one by one in the rage of the sun,

is again difficult to picture. How can she breathe out what remains of your skin?
Is it her breath that's peeling your skin away layer by layer - or her stare - or her dominating character?

You need to keep it simpler, and be certain what you are trying to express before writing it down. Then double-check that it still makes sense in the context of the poem as a whole.

As I became dust drifting in the sunlight.

the best line saved until last.

You somehow need to remove those lines that don't fit and combine what's left into a single idea. It might only end up as a 5-line poem but it will certainly be one to be proud of. I'm sensing you need to exercise a little quality control but you have the raw material to work with at least.

H

[ShadowsCool]

Hillwalker,

You have made some excellent points. My poems tend to be a hodgepodge of excellent lines mixed with senseless lines. I am studying how to write poetry online. I am hoping it will correct some of these mistakes I make. I'm also taking a course on English.

The only thing I have going for me is raw talent. But execution is sorely lacking. I know very little in the art of writing. Appreciate your input because it will help me to achieve my goals.

Shadows.

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure studying 'how to write poetry' on-line is going to be as much help as just getting on with doing it. You'll probably learn more from getting your hands bloody courtesy of LitNet...

...and in my experience the best way to improve your writing skills is either to take some Creative Writing classes (not necessarily just in poetry - if you can't express yourself in prose the chances are you'll not be very successful at poetry) or join a local amateur writers' group and start sharing your work with like-minded individuals.

H