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[yuka]

Following there are three translations about Georg Trakl's one poem, please tell which one do you think is the best, and why do you think so.

1.The Ravens
translated by Alexander Stillmark

Across the black nook the ravens hasten
At noonday with harsh cry
Their shadow sweeps past the hind
And sometimes one sees them in sullen repose

O how they disturb the brown silence
Wherein a tilled field is enrapt
Like a woman by heavy foreboding entranced
And sometimes one can hear them bickering

Over some carrion scented out somewhere
Of a sudden they direct their flight northwards
And dwindle away like a funeral procession
In airs which shudder with rapture


2.The Ravens
translated by Jim Doss and Werner Schmitt

Over the black corner at midday,
The ravens rush with hard cry.
Their shadow streaks past the doe
And sometimes they are seen in sullen rest.

O how they disturb the brown silence
Of a field lying ecstatic with itself,
Like a woman ensnared by heavy intuition,
And sometimes one can hear their nagging

Around a carcass scented out somewhere,
And suddenly their flight bends northward
And disappears like a funeral procession
Into winds that tremble with lust.

3.The Ravens
Translated by Eric Plattner & Joseph Suglia

Over the black crevice
at noon the ravens rush with rusty cries.
Their shadows touch the deer’s back
and at times they loom in gnarled rest.

O how they derange the brown stillness,
in the one acre itself entranced,
like a woman married to grave premonitions,
and at times you can hear them bicker

about a corpse they sniffed-out somewhere,
and sharply they bend their flight towards north
and dwindle away like a funeral
march in the air, shivering with bliss.


P.S., because for me it's not available to get any online information of the three translators, so, anything about that also welcomed to post here. Thank you,

[Buh4Bee]

First of all, I like how you listed the three different translations. The progress helped build meaning of the poem. Therefore, it was easy to like the last one best (Eric Plattner & Joseph Suglia). The first one seems archaic (language), while the second more modern, but it lacks a good flow. I think the last one reads smoothly and the images are clear.

[yuka]

Thank you Jersea for your feekback.

Well, I think one more thing I forget to note here, since it's translation, then at least it must be not only faithful to the original, but also reproduce the original with the appropriate poetic style. When choose the best translation of above three poems, need to take into consideration the sombre, melancholy, elegial tune of Trakl original

Hope that'scLear

[blithe spirit]

Very interesting, yuka. I agree with jersea that the second one "lacks good flow". There are several lines I prefer in the first one over the third one that also seem more somber as you say and is more the poetic style and feel of Georg Trakl's original. But I must say that I prefer the last line of the third "march in the air, shivering with bliss"...that line wins hands down.

Other than the last line of the third translation, I think the first translation is more somber. To compare the first with the third for somber effect:

1st - one sees them in sullen repose (more somber)
3rd - they loom in gnarled rest

1st - tilled field enrapt (just more poetic)
3rd - one acre itself entranced

1st - like a woman by heavy foreboding entranced (more somber)
3rd - like a woman married to grave premonitions

1st - carrion scented out (more somber)
3rd - corpse they sniffed out

[Buh4Bee]

True enough, but I was just reading for the best English version as I am not bilingual. Yes, what you wrote makes complete sense.

[yuka]

Thank you Blithe for your detail comparation. It helps me a lot.

Sorry Jersea, that's my miss.

[Buh4Bee]

Nope, you were right to point that out. You made it clear that it was a translation. My perspective was limited, and hopefully next time I will have more insight.

[yuka]

But still you gave me a great help, and hope get more advice from you later. :)