What is Freedom

[free]

What is freedom I often reason

thinking of it brings various moods

is the city life a prison

how about living in woods


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Just a thought about it, maybe I will continue to ponder about it and make some rhymes to help me understand it better.:)

[Treebeard]

Good job! Now I got inspired. I hope you don't mind if I have a go at it:

What is freedom I often reason;
Not thinking about it would be treason;
Living in the city is like being in a prison;
Would living in the woods widen my vision

Treason it would be, towards you and me,
not to think about what would make us free;
Widen my vision - our vision - it might do,
if we moved into the woods, me and you

Perhaps a bit repetitive, but what I tried to do is explain what I said in the first stanza a bit further. I'm new to writing poetry, so I'd love some feedback.

[hillwalker]

The original poem is a fine springboard to some more meaningful doodlings. I can't say I found the rhyme helpful - you wrote yourself into a corner by the end, having to use 'living in woods' as a rather whimsical but weak metaphor for freedom.

It's great that your poem inspired Treebeard to write his/her own interpretation, but it's a little too similar to the original (and repetitive for no apparent reason). If you have to say something twice to get your point across it generally means you failed to express yourself clearly the first time.

But even more unfortunately, it is fatally flawed by the use of strict end rhyme and forced expressions such as 'Treason it would be' and 'Widen my vision... it might do'.

Nobody that I have ever met speaks like this - but choosing to write in this style has resulted in a number of archaic expressions or convoluted phrases being wedged into the poem to fit the formal rhyme scheme. It's not particularly good.

My advice would be to read a lot of contemporary poetry - and for the time being get rid of the idea that poetry always has to rhyme. In too many cases rhyme is an anchor that drags many writers down to their knees and consigns many promising poems to oblivion.

H

[Treebeard]

Ah, the Hillwalker! Yet again I want to thank you for your harsh, but truthful criticism! This is exactly what I need to improve. Like I said I'm new to writing poetry and thus I'm glad and willing to take any advice!

I do see the problem with my "use of strict end rhyme and forced expressions". Some parts of it can be used in other areas though, right? The line "Treason it would be, to you and me" could be suitable in lets say a little ditty or something, right? Kind of in a comical and entertaining way. I see now why it's not suitable in a poem though.

Also I'm well aware of the fact that poetry doesn't have to rhyme. I've written other poems without rhymes, but at the moment I'm trying to improve my rhyming a bit. I'll remember the option to let it go if needed though.

Do you perhaps have any suggestions of poetry for me to read? I'm from Sweden, but read almost only English literature, so I'd gladly accept such works.

Thanks again, Hillwalker! I'll look forward to your reply.

[hillwalker]

Well, there's lots of good poetry posted on here if you care to trawl throught the archives. The responses to each one will also give you an useful insight into what is 'good poetry' and what is not.

Other than that there are many collections of contemporary English poetry that give a variety of styles. My own personal favourite is Simon Armitage but I always hesitate recommending one particular poet as everyone has differing tastes.

As to your comment about the 'Treason...' line - it might be considered whimsical possibly in doggerel verse, but in my experience you would do well to avoid such pitfalls. The main problem is that it sounds so clumsy - and is more often a sign of a new writer trying to appear 'poetical'. Rhyme is not an easy thing to master - the danger is that you end up its slave and twist words like a contortionist twists his body to fit into a tight space. Far better to discover your style and voice - to explore what you like writing about - before trying to emulate the classics of literature.

Good luck

H

[Treebeard]

Thank you! I'll look through the archives and remember what you've said.

Sorry free for hijacking your thread by the way. I hope to see more from you though! Make sure to update this if you continue on it!

[free]

Thank you! I'll look through the archives and remember what you've said.

Sorry free for hijacking your thread by the way. I hope to see more from you though! Make sure to update this if you continue on it!


No problem, treebeard. I am happy that my poem inspired your conversation.

[free]

Is freedom to be reborn
in a land of reliant friends
where truth is not forlorn
and love’s a way of existence