Shot through the head, not through the heart

[timelinezero]

This is it, the ultimatum
my nails are paled and pounding in pain
under the warm lamp light, my skin burnt from fright
as years become wet, the sweats I've slept through in the night
all I've never misread, the scent, the curve of her neck
in clothes, this skin wrenched in ink, your beauty never dulled or stained
as I burrow through the long forgotten lead
crawling through the sheets, gnawing away at the meat
the beastly longing only feigned, being miles away from me
she's clawing through these eyes, and coming back to life

every shred, in this poets head, is buried shallowest
to never beset, to never rest, on the fingers of time
as they walk away without a bow, a wretched mess, always dawning a white gown, the bent crown of success
well, how could I forget
what I never left?

[hillwalker]

This sounds quite dramatic - a lot of anguish and torment buried beneath the surface - but it suffers from too many awkward expressions that detract from the mood you were trying to create.

my nails are paled

my skin burnt from fright
as years become wet

all I've never misread

this skin wrenched in ink

as I burrow through the long forgotten lead

every shred, in this poets head, is buried shallowest
to never beset,

the bent crown of success
well, how could I forget
what I never left?

I have to admit that these lines don't make a great deal of sense - and I'm wondering how much of this is down to your attempt to follow internal rhyme and how much is down to your command of the English language.

You have poetic sensibilities but need to work on expressing your thoughts more clearly and concisely. Sometimes simple works best.

H

[YesNo]

I didn't understand the message, if there was one. Regardless of the technique used by the writer, I think there must be a message. A general sense of anguish is not enough.

The title is also puzzling. Was this some sort of execution?

I suppose I could do a "close reading" and read in some meaning that may or may not be there, but there are other things to do.