The First Time

[everyadventure]

The first time
he strikes you
snapping your skull back
with the crisp crack of celery,
slicing your lip like overripe fruit,
you feel only astonishment.

Afterward, you don't notice the blood
dripping quietly, blossoming
on the ivy-print rug.

Rather, your eyes inevitably connect with his,
with the same intensity of fist against jaw.
You wait for him to speak:
surely he has something to say?

But no, he leaves the room,
returning with a bottle of Spot Shot
and a roll of paper towels.

He holds out the carpet cleaner
and waits, certain
you will accept.

[Twota]

i love it ;O , specially that part -Rather, your eyes inevitably connect with his,
with the same intensity of fist against jaw.- awesome.

[tailor STATELY]

......

[Jerrybaldy]

I am glad you title it the first time as no woman should be there for the second.

[PrinceMyshkin]

To the inhabitant of apartment 4 (above): I think that "the first time" is meant to be a downer because it implies there was at least a 2nd time.

The analogy with celery was a weak spot for me: yes, I can imagine the crispness of that sound but it's too innocently domestic to register as you mean it to.

The ending restates and reinforces the brutality of the initial abuse.

[hallaig]

jury's out on the celery, think I like it on balance. How about losing the final 'it'?. Sounds better without.

No fripperies, understated as usual, good work.

[Delta40]

It also reminds me of the the lyrics 'the first time, ever I saw your face' the irony of such a love song mingled with brute violence, forcing a review of expectations in preparation for the next time is very powerful EA.

[everyadventure]

@Prince: I think I like the ridiculous domesticity of the celery.
@hallaig: Correct as usual. Consider "it" gone.
@tailor: I can't help but feel as though I've been cheated out of a "tara diddle" :(

[ShadowsCool]

everyadventure: very sad stuff. Kinda like mine. But it was well written.

Shadows

[Jerrybaldy]

To the inhabitant of apartment 5. I lent you my lawn mower 2 months ago last tuesday. Give it back.

[IceM]

This piece is one of my favorites on the entire forum. The language has an incredible control to it, perhaps a sense of objectivity, that allows the reader to form his own opinions of the action for himself and not through connotations of the words used.

Lines 1 and 2 could be amended to be one whole line; as is, the division feels awkward. The image of celery summons a picture of a brittle neck that have been whittled by countless more beatings than even this poem suggets. Keep it. But the repetition of the r sound in "overripe" feels clumpy, as if the sounds are too close together.

Stanza 3, line 1: inevitable should be removed. The progression of the poem make obvious a silent confrontation.

The resignation of the last three lines, and the inevitability (there's that word again) of another occurence is perhaps what is most poignant, creating for me the impression of a powerful poem. For most authors, a powerful ending is a good sign, as it may distract from any other mistakes, sometimes significant, made during the course of the poem. But this is spectacular from start to finish. Well done.

[PrinceMyshkin]

To the inhabitant of apartment 5. I lent you my lawn mower 2 months ago last tuesday. Give it back.

To the dweller in the basement apartment #10: after a certain species of growth was detected between the blades, the police have retained said lawn mower as a potential piece of evidence.

[everyadventure]

Thanks, Ice, for your review.

@Prince & Jerry: NEITHER of you have been mowing your lawns and it is an EMBARRASSMENT to all of LitNet.

[Jerrybaldy]

Miss Adventure. I hate to embarass my fellow litnetters with my unkempt lawn so I feel compelled to offer this explanation:

As previously explained Prince has had my lawn mower for two months and just when I thought I was getting it back he has handed it over to forensics. As for what they are looking for, Prince is a regular in a "Cafe".

Secondly Hill asked me not to mow my lawn as he likes to take hikes there in his trademark khaki shorts and he likes that it now covers his knees.

I can't do right for doing wrong here.

[tailor STATELY]

My apology for bailing out. Your writing was too effective for my sensibilities to handle at the time - yet I felt compelled to comment. My first comment was one of anguish of the spirit; then an edit as I felt it might not have been appropriate to share. Hope that 'splains.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[everyadventure]

Ah, Tailor, all is forgiven :) So glad you graced me with a "tarradiddle" after all!