Family Perspective

[Twota]

It is almost midnight,
the scent of sin and lust
fills the atmosphere.
she stands there teasing
and laughing out, half naked,
waiting for a customer to please.


Meanwhile, a family passes by,
the mother gasps at the sight
and quickly looks away,
asks her son to do the same,
while the baby in her hands
waves to the woman.


The fifteen year old son
wants to quench his desires,
can't shut the hot chick down,
can't resist the bare flesh,
his lustful age leads his eyes,
and smiling, he steals some peeks.


The father looks at the girl
in disgust and despise,
then looks at his baby daughter
and shakes his head in fear,
holds his son and wife closer
and they continue their own way.

[Delta40]

I would check the tense in this poem as it goes from present to past for no apparent reason. Also, chewing a gum with open mouth doesn't make sense since to chew, one must invariably close their mouth also.

Edit it and tidy up the tense and grammar and you may have a snapshot moment.

[Twota]

hmmm, about the -waved- yah, messed that xD and -with open mouth- i meant with uber open, rudely but hmm, i ll fix the tense and see what i can do about open mouth to make it more sensible, hope it works.

[Twota]

hmm, fixed now..what do you think?

[hillwalker]

An interesting topic - perhaps there's more you can do with this to explore the different ways each person looks at the hooker; contrasting the innocence of the baby, the teenager's lust, the mother's disdain and the father's disgust (or perhaps even guilt).

I would forget about explaining why they're there - the fact that they're waiting for the bus is neither here nor there - and instead focus on the growing tension in the air as the family deals with the difficult situation.

H

[hallaig]

It's a good subject for a poem, the baby's innocence, the teenager's titillation, the adults' disapproval. The last section doesn't make much grammatical sense to me as it stands and ends in a flat kind of way. I'm sure if you work on this it could be a highly effective poem.

[Twota]

Hmm, thx hill and hallaig, glad you like the topic :D i ll try to rewrite it putting what you said into consideration. x]]]

[yuka]

Simple but meaningful, love this little good poetry

[Twota]

Thx yuka, glad you like it =DDD

[Twota]

okaaaaaaaay, SO i made some changes..MANY ones, hope it's better now.. the old version was:
She is standing there
chewing a gum rudely
and laughing out, half naked,
waiting for a customer to please.

Next to her, a family stands
waiting for a taxi,
the mother looks away,
and the baby in her hands
waves to the woman.

The fifteen years old
smiling steals some peeks,
and the father looking at her
in disgust and despise.

hmm.

[hillwalker]

Mhmm... not sure.

You've expanded on the body language of the main characters and added some background detail but what this really cries out for is some internal dialogue from each family member. All you have done is tell us what is happening - rather like a newspaper reporter. You haven't shown what each individual feels - how the temptation of the young woman's body fires different signals at the father and son for example (both red-blooded males presumably).

It's not something I would expect you to have resolved within 24 hours of posting. Poetry isn't something you can rattle off like a shopping list. This needs a week or more to just play around with ideas inside your head - discover the voices of the characters involved. Maybe even get the hooker to describe their reactions in her own style.

At least you are working on it... but I still don't believe you have nailed this one yet.

H

PS - fancy colour schemes never work on this site - they're usual a desperate attempt to appear different. B + W Works best :-)

[Twota]

Hmmm..fine then i ll keep on trying till i do nail it :D i ll put an internal dialogue from each family member, hope it works ;D

PS. I didn't mean it that way hahaa, it's just for change ;D but yah B + W works best. :D

Thx hill x]]]