Hope and Despair

[spotless_mind]

I am looking for comments. Please do let me know whether you like it or not.

Hope

You saw even when
the white crow flew
to not return.

you were the chosen
but to chose
you werent meant

you were meant
to hope

you saw what you knew
you didn't know
the crow was black

and as it passed
you saw again
the dove flew
you knew again

you were meant
to wait

then you saw
what you knew
she was white

and she came
how she flew
as you cried
in your arms
and you said
that you knew
that you saw
that the sea
that the land
so shall meet
and become

Despair

It was to be
that you saw
but that you saw
was it to be?

were you to see
or were you to sleep
and were you to dream?

what you dreamt
was that to be

or was it to pass

you were to want
for it to be
what you were to see

but you were blind
and you hadn't seen
you hadn't known

you had slept
and it had passed
and now you knew

what was to be
what wasn't to be
was to be
you weren't to see

life was fate
fate had eyes
she was fate
and you were life

it is meant
for she to pass
and you to live

or is it to be
that you are meant
to hope again

[blazeofglory]

I am looking for comments. Please do let me know whether you like it or not.

Hope

You saw even when
the white crow flew
to not return.

you were the chosen
but to chose
you werent meant

you were meant
to hope

you saw what you knew
you didn't know
the crow was black

and as it passed
you saw again
the dove flew
you knew again

you were meant
to wait

then you saw
what you knew
she was white

and she came
how she flew
as you cried
in your arms
and you said
that you knew
that you saw
that the sea
that the land
so shall meet
and become

Despair

It was to be
that you saw
but that you saw
was it to be?

were you to see
or were you to sleep
and were you to dream?

what you dreamt
was that to be

or was it to pass

you were to want
for it to be
what you were to see

but you were blind
and you hadn't seen
you hadn't known

you had slept
and it had passed
and now you knew

what was to be
what wasn't to be
was to be
you weren't to see

life was fate
fate had eyes
she was fate
and you were life

it is meant
for she to pass
and you to live

or is it to be
that you are meant
to hope again

These two poems have much substance. It flows with some facts about love, life, dreams, hopes, despair in fragments. The poet has the craft of picking on facts and construct them into beauty. In fragments these bits and pieces that add in life are of no use but in assimilation they become a life, a poem, a hope and the like.

[Jerrybaldy]

I could here it as lyrics but everything seemed to lie in its bare boned construction and little in any meaning. I felt no connection to it as I dont think it meant anything to you when you wrote it other than it should sound good.

[hillwalker]

Most of the verses here read like tiny epigrams you might find in a fortune cookie - except that they don't really make much sense.

It was to be
that you saw
but that you saw
was it to be?

What on earth is that supposed to mean?

I can see how this cryptic style adds a certain mystique to each poem but most of what you have written here is incomprehensible. Your language displays a touch of 'new age' sensibility - a certain enigmatic aura - but unless you are actually expressing ideas or thoughts in a way that readers can engage with you're not going to be very successful.

My advice would be to attempt to write more concisely - and be certain what it is you are trying to say. Much of this read like someone probing with a stick inside a darkened room for something tangible.

H