the cry of an angle

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

The Cry of an Angle


The minds have fallen in loss
When sought your light in trance
Confused from the beauty of grace
And shrunk in the mercy of embrace

Forgive thy sinner and release
Him from pains of offence
Let thy light grows in toss
of my mind and darkness

Forgive my ignorant cry
And tears of begging and stray
when from your light I get away
And dwell in deserted way

With divine saints I knock
Thy door to pride on the monarch
Of heaven, with the people you like

[munkinhead]

This is meant to be a helpful critique. It may be disregarded, as the ramblings of a fool, and I would not be offended. I appreciate the work you have done here, but a little more work will produce a much better poem. I will take the liberty of editing the first verse to my liking, so that I can show, by example, what I mean to suggest. I do not intend to rewrite your poem. You can, if you like.

Minds have fallen in loss
searching for your light in trance,
confused by the beauty of grace
and shrunk by the mercy of (your?) embrace.

I would rework Verse 2, the third and fourth lines in particular. Your intention here is not at all clear. Verse 3 also needs a little work. "Stray/away" seems to be a forced and gratuitous rhyme. I think the last line in the 3rd verse needs one more word. Between "in" and "deserted" try one of these (or some other); "a", "this", or "some". The use of rhyme is tricky. There are few hard and fast rules governing it, but when it is used it can make or break a poem. Be judicious. I think that to be most effective, rhyme is usually best served by a discernable structure in its use. Be consistant. Verse 4, as the ultimate verse here, should wrap up, or otherwise illuminate the poem. I think that the message is muddled here.
In a side note I would also suggest that you decide on the capitalization of the initial words of the lines of the poem. Again, be consistant. (I prefer the more natural use of punctuation, and therefore tend to capitalize only the start of the sentence, or thought.)

If I seem overly critical, please take this with a grain of salt. I see something good here, and I think you can make it better. Keep writing my friend.
munk

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

hello sir
believe me, this is the first time I receive such a great comment, both in thought and style... I've read it for more than 5 times, and each time, I've noticed something new.... that was really a great motivation toward improvement... I rarely find such keen criticism. It is greatly appreciated.

would you please clarify your point about the ryhme in my text?

Finally, I would like to thank u again, and I hope you will read my coming texts, and post your valuable comments and criticism.