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zoolane
07-02-2011, 09:48 AM
Archie's Girl.


Bang. Anna hits the tarmac with her phone that is bound across the pavement. Her basketball cap with the graffiti on, the wind take it into the air. Her bleach blonde hair graces her shoulders once more. Her arms fell silence to her body as her feet buckle beneath her. Archie ran toward to her but blood had leaked over her brand new top that she had just nicking from Prime mark day before. He quickly grabbed the necklace which he gave to her for birthday a year ago. The sirens could be heard in distance like a screeching alarm. Archie screamed in air just as he is make a run for it.

Archie curled up on their bed and crying like a little boy that had lost his mom. Its now ten at night, the moon is beaming through the make shift curtains. Archie wondered where is Anna? Suddenly he see the necklace and realized about the t-shirt. The memory of it all comes flooding back. While he began to root a round in the seventies kitchen with its black; blue and green bold flowers pattern, he come across a can of beer which is half empty and warm. Next to it is a box of stale donuts.

On cupboard is note with Anna's handwriting it saying forget to take your pills which are in the bread bin. Please x. He bite into one and blob of jam landed on the rug. Tears unravel down his cheeks again. In fit of grief the donut make a impact on the grime window. On the stereo is Boulevard Of Broken Dreams as Archie strip off his urban jeans; boxer and put on Anna's pink satin underwear. He marches over to the cupboard where the paint is kept and take out the black paint and a brush. Surrenders his anger on the wall with stroke here and there. He suddenly stop and slip under the sheets. As dawn crept in and weaves itself the into the London skyline. Archie claws on his urban jeans and get semi-clean shirt. As he makes his way out of the block. He remember that this is her favourite time of day. From behind him there is tap on his shoulder with very whine voice that following it.

"Mr Archie Andrews?". With medium brown hair; lizard green eyes; and horrible brown nylon suit which is needed of a good iron. The tie that the man is wearing is orange and yellow pattern.

Archie spoke with hint rage which needs no invitation to be free.
"Yeah, who want to know?"

"Well sir, I am Detective Inspection John Davies. I would like speak to you about the murder of Miss Anna Abra. The events of the day the fourteen of February 2011". The officer's words were in a direct manner but has got a nervous undercurrent in his voice.

Archie is lead to a Ford Cortina in red even with leopard skin seats. Archie is think now tacted can you get. Archie giggle in back of the car, when he make a pet name of D.I.Davis.

Another police officer is driving his about same age bracket as Archie. Only thing that is odd is he had side burns. After short car ride, they arrived that the station. Archie step into the station and has good look around. Archie thought might in some sort time wrap back to seventies. It is all men's, they all wearing nylon suits or leather jackets. The D.I vomit ask Archie to a interview room to make a informal statement. Archie palms starting to sweat and twitching. He decide to sit on his hands.

"Mr. Andrew are we OK to began" D.I Davis is more friendly and soft spoke.

"Yeah, if we better" Archie starting to feel anxious and irritation as it building up in his throat.

The interview seem to coming to a conclusion, Archie pray that hole would just open and swallow him whole.

"Archie, this is last question. Do you know of anyone that would wants to harm

Anna or you?". His voice is crystal clear but with something not quite right.

Archie shook his head to indicating no. Archie is curious to know if D.I vomit ever had speech problem as child. Archie is pale like ghost as he leaves the station. As he stroll into South Bank.

Not a cloud in sky; clear blue with it being middle of summer. Performers and tourists casual going about doing what do best. He came to place where met Anna all them years ago, as a young girl skip school to hang with skateboard crew. He fell for her as soon as he saw her with those deep whirlpool eyes. He brought some spray paint of some crew that is there. He felt like he is being watch, he can feel the pressure of their bold eyes peer into his soul. He wanted to working on patch that he and Anna starting just before incident. His mind starts races with thoughts of violences and revenge but who or maybe they all did it. With the art finish in Anna's favourite colours with gothic writing and imagery as well. Archie hand over the sprays back to the crew that he got them from but just about to shake Garry hand. He pullout a blade with pattern edge and plunge to Garry who secretive loves Anna to. So Archie believes.

"Garry, You will never have Anna. Not even in heaven". As Garry trying crawl away and Archie turns him over. He whisper in his ear just before he strike blade across his neck.

With flash of despair he take one of the skateboard and fled the scene. Back that his squat feeling empty but relinquish he feels of revenge. He polish off the half can of warm beer.

"Andy, you in? it me Mike". A voice boom throught the letterbox.

Archie approach the spy hole with caution, but in is Mike. Archie let him in.

"Hey where is my other of half the money? you promise if shot that b***h" As is Mikes rough cockney accent filter into room. He handed Archie a small bag.

Archie open the bag. He is now hold gun that was use to kill her. He point it that Mike. Mike raise his hands and left. Archie fell to floor with crash. Realized that he alone is responsible for her death. The waterfall starting without any delay from his chin to the carpet. In that split second,Archie decided that he can no longer live without her.

YesNo
07-02-2011, 11:37 AM
I think the story is interesting. There were many good stories in that last competition. However, the story gets lost amid the grammar mistakes. You might try using Microsoft Word or some other editor to help point out the grammar problems and then have a friend edit it.

My wife speaks English well, but I still go over her major presentations making sure they sound correct to a native speaker and that is after Word has given her suggestions.

hillwalker
07-02-2011, 03:19 PM
I think you did a very effective job of setting the scene - a graphic description of Anna's death, and how abruptly things like this can happen.

I'm not so sure about the scenes with the police - the dialogue was a bit stilted and didn't sound realistic. Also, you've concentrated on the detectives introducing themselves and the lead-up to the interview - but none of the interview itself? I'm guessing most readers would rather read about the interview - we don't need to be side-tracked by trivial talk.

But it's an interesting piece and is one of your longest (in one posting) so I assume you really enjoyed writing it. Keep at it.

H

MystyrMystyry
07-02-2011, 04:25 PM
I enjoyed it zoo, though less as a story, more as an extended series of poems paragraph by paragraph.

I read this in the competition, but your voice and style are so distinct I knew it was by you - and then I had a bit of a dilemma.

It's good in its own right separate from what the conventional expectations of a story might be.

Keep 'em coming!

Steven Hunley
07-02-2011, 10:27 PM
This was quite an achievement. Much longer than your usual and much more detailed. Some of the descriptive passages were charming. Really girl, this is something. It has it's grammatical faults. Then again it shows promise after promise. Keep up the good work!

MANICHAEAN
07-03-2011, 06:15 AM
Hi Zoo
The perception of your characters, as always, shines through. Well done.
Best regards
M.

zoolane
07-03-2011, 08:54 AM
Thank you all for comments, I alway have grammar mistaken and Yes MS Word would of help but my computer would not let me download it. To perfect honestly I would rather edit myself then have friend do it. Not because of not mistrust but due to in my work also it would not have same effect if it was perfect.

Hill, I did enjoy writing it. In regards for police interview, reason why I did not more into is because I could of easy got carry away and also I hope the detail of police officers with indicate the Archie's unstable able state.

Thank you MM of your lovely comment and yes there was great stories to choose from.

Thank you Steve and Man for encouragement.

I will on when I can it that time again when end school year end and six weeks Holiday began.

Jassy Melson
07-04-2011, 09:17 AM
This story in itself is interesting; it's gritty and realistic. But the dozens of grammatical mistakes in the story make it almost unreadable. This story would be improved fifty percent if you would run it through a grammar checker, and give it to someone who knows about grammar and let them correct the mistakes.

zoolane
07-04-2011, 10:04 AM
Grammatical errors are not my strong point but not everyone or pieces of writing have to be perfect. Granted it help when enter comp or understanding the peice. I am sure even best well known authors or inspired authors have problems with the principals of English language at one pointb or other.

MANICHAEAN
07-05-2011, 12:29 AM
Absolutely right Zoo. Its more importent to recognise your weak points in writing & then change them utilising your own ability.

I have myself a tendency to use a word in a sentence & then repeat it in the next. But I've taught myself to recheck slowly once I've finished.

But they still sometimes creep in & Aunt Shecky invariably sends me to the back of the class.

As for Microsoft Word Check, it is American English. I spell words like "manoueuvre" and "programme" the way I was taught & refuse to change.

The main thing is not to lose your passion for writing.

Here's looking at you kid.

M.

cemelie
11-30-2011, 07:51 AM
Grammatical errors are not my strong point but not everyone or pieces of writing have to be perfect. Granted it help when enter comp or understanding the peice. I am sure even best well known authors or inspired authors have problems with the principals of English language at one pointb or other.


I really like your piece. But in order to comprehend it, i have to read in between the lines instead of reading it word by word (else I wouldn't be able to understand). You didn't let the gift of dyslexia get in your way of being a writer. This spirit alone is worth my admiration.

But again, you want to make sure that you bring the points across to your reader. It will be your responsibility to make sure that the story is comprehensible. Try this spelling & grammar checker (http://www.gingersoftware.com/features/grammar_checker.html) which is targeted for dyslexia users. It helps me as my second pair of eyes to spot errors when I write my pieces ( I have mild dyslexia as well). Hope this helps.


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