Desires, edited.

[Dr.reid_16]

Went over my poem: Desires, fixed up a few things, here it is!




Desires

Golden locks flow
as the breeze blows.
Her eyes
blue with beauty
full of hope and dreams
fixed on the distance
past me.
There’s freedom in her eyes
and life in the air.
Deep desires for her to be mine,
are only desires,
never reality.

My desires for the beauty herself,
disappear with traveling laughter.
Pointed fingers, sickening whispers.
Hopes, dreams, and desires,
all destroyed.
All I ask is, why?

[Delta40]

I like it and it would improve greatly by the further use of words related to desire, otherwise it loses its powerfulness.

Main Entry: desire
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: want, longing
Synonyms: admiration, ambition, appetite, ardor, aspiration, attraction, avidity, concupiscence, covetousness, craving, craze, cupidity, devotion, doting, eagerness, fancy, fascination, fervor, fondness, frenzy, greed, hankering*, hunger, inclination, infatuation, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, libido, liking, love, lust, mania, motive, need, passion, predilection, proclivity, propensity, rapaciousness, rapture, ravenousness, relish, salacity, solicitude, thirst, urge, voracity, will, wish, yearning
Antonyms: aversion, disgust, dislike, distaste, hate, hatred, repulsion

[Dr.reid_16]

thanks for the tips, I appreciate it!

[everyadventure]

An improvement over the previous posting. But I'm still hung up on "golden" and "blue." They are so utterly predictable that they lose any power to convince us of her beauty. What other words might you use to describe her hair, her eyes? There are some great online thesauruses, see what you can come up with.

Overall the poem is tighter, and that's a good thing. Glad you got rid of the "evil world." Keep on keepin' on :)