'Suns And' (need help with title)

[twoheadedboy]

Hey all. It's been awhile since I've visited this forum, I've been busy with a new spoken word band and a recent move. but it's been good. Here is a recent writing I've done. I just blurted it out one evening. I haven't had time to process it fully. Hopefully I can get some help.








Our skin is like a collective photograph,
all reaching and being pulled taut.
Towards the sun as if to expose, but we pull away

so we don't burn.
so with our photographs on tattooed and myriadious backs,
we line up in the order we're told.

To make and tell a story.
To unravel some deep and dark twisted secret that's hidden in our genes.
To unfold.

But there is nothing such, we are just dark and twisted bodies,
bending in the light of the sun;
it's bright and molten hands gripping us and saying...

You are one of us now. Pure unexcitable energy, you are nutrition for plants with no food. You are millions of miles away and there is no paid time off

to travel
or to run away

When you are a sun, you are stuck
solely spinning and giving away free energy
and if you shut your eyes for rest,
the world becomes dark.

They say it takes 8 minutes for the light of the sun to reach earth,
so you wouldn’t know right away, but eventually

every closed eye moment,
every clenched fist and smashed table
every thrown coffee cup against the wall
comes to light

or should I say, ‘comes to darkness’

If you think I’m being too harsh,
then look inside

you’ll see impressive holes and canyon voids
and on the outside,

just an expression, probably a smile.

[everyadventure]

I feel there's something profound here that's just beyond reach. Maybe it's too late for me to be reading poetry! I'll come back to it tomorrow...

[hillwalker]

As you admit, this reads like something 'blurted out' - it's not quite the finished product.

I can't pretend to understand much of what you're writing about here, but it reads rather like two separate ideas - combined rather clumsily into a single, rambling piece.

There's stuff about skin - and possibly mortality - then there's something about the sun.

Some of this is good -

every closed eye moment,
every clenched fist and smashed table
every thrown coffee cup against the wall
comes to light

I particularly liked, and it would make a great ending. The 6 lines that follow merely diminish what was said before.

A work in progress rather than the finished article... and you might consider replacing 'myriadious' (is there such a word???) with 'myriad'.

H

[tailor STATELY]

Title suggestion: "Soliloquy" - given Sol = sun; and from Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary:
soliloquy 2: a dramatic monologue that gives the illusion of being a series of unspoken reflections.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[MarkBastable]

Given that you haven't been doing much of this stuff lately how about

"...and Loafers'

?

[everyadventure]

I'm baaaack... and I was right, there's some good stuff here. Those first three stanzas should be a poem all their own. Stanzas 7, 8, and 9 are wonderful, with the exception of the word "stuck" (it sounds clunky... do you even need a word there at all?) and "free energy" which sounds like a billboard. But the "every closed eye moment" stanza is the stand-out one here, it's fantastic.

Thanks for sharing!