Desires

[Dr.reid_16]

Desires

Golden locks flow,
as the breeze blows.
Eyes fixed,
on the distance,
past me.
Deep desires for her to be mine,
are only desires,
never reality.

My desire for the beauty herself,
to be mine,
disappear with traveling laughter.
Pointed fingers, sickening whispers.
Desires too good to be true, too good to last.
Evil sister, look upon what you have done,
your words, your evil words,
have destroyed hopes,
dreams,
and desires.

[everyadventure]

Hmmm. I would take the line "eyes fixed, on the distance, past me" and run with it. The problem is, golden locks flowing in the breeze is a rather trite image. Isn't there something more you could tell us about her to make her seem desirable?

Then things get a little weird when you call her "evil sister." Sister? With that word, things seem to take an incestuous turn... which could be very intriguing, if that's what you're going for, but I suspect it isn't.

I'd love to read it again if you'd care to rework it a bit :)

[Dr.reid_16]

evil sister is actually who ruined me :p

[hillwalker]

evil sister is actually who ruined me :p

...which is why the poem becomes rather irrelevant for most readers.

What starts as possibly a love poem turns out to be a rant against the girl who broke your heart, presumably. As it stands, it's too personal for anyone else to find much to engage with.

H

[Scheherazade]

I agree with Hill that the poem gets a little confusing; you need to decide whether you are talking about the desire or the disappointment, I feel.

Also, please avoid using unnecessary punctuation... The commas are really killing the rhythm and flow.