Owning The World In A Glass

[Twota]

A glass of water,
how deep can it ever be?
I look at the liquid closely.
I see the rain falling
on to kissing lovers,
to double their passion.

I let my eyes dive deeper
and I see a mother's tear,
seeping from her warm eyes,
while she watches her only son,
standing there kissing his bride
before they go their own way.

I turn the glass for another view,
this time, it's the vast sea,
its waves are racing to the beach
to caress the warm golden sand,
just as that kid who is running
with open arms, to embrace the blue.

I know there is much more to see
but my thirst doesn't share my curiousity,
so i carry that glass up to my mouth
and as the last droplet falls,
I smile at the thought of
owning the world in a glass.

[hillwalker]

Probably your best so far...

not sure about the rain falling down or the charming sea - but otherwise it's a tight piece of writing and ends neatly

H

[Twota]

Yay! Glad that u like it even if only ( the end ) ;D but i don't understand what you are trying to say about "charming" and "down" , hmm? ;D

[everyadventure]

Very good! An original piece, and I love the wit of "my thirst doesn't share my curiosity." Thanks for sharing.

[Twota]

Yay =DDD thanks ea , glad you like it , i am always glad to see your comments on my poems =]

[Delta40]

I like the appreciation you put into a glass of water and it is vivid enough but I agree that charming is not the word I would have used to describe the ocean

[Twota]

hmm , i will think of a replacement .. or may be just remove -charming- , but i still don't know what is wrong about it though :D

[Delta40]

I think of an ocean as vast, tumultuous, tranquil before charming if that is any help?

[Twota]

yes , helpful :D i fixed it to vast , and got the point yah =]

[MystyrMystyry]

Enchanting sea

Falling down - in a poem you want every word to have its own power, which is reduced when there's redundancy - falling and falling down have similar meanings so choose the briefest

[Twota]

Oh, got it ;D thanks Mystyr , i ll fix it now.

[tailor STATELY]

Most profound.

Enjoyed very much.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Twota]

Thanks tailor =D Glad you enjoyed it x]

[hillwalker]

I agree with MM - I think 'enchanting' is the word you were looking for ('charming' is how you'd describe a rather quaint person - not something as vast as the sea)...

and rain falling down - can it fall up? probably not, so down is a redundant word - a bit like saying someone entered into a room. Your edit makes it read so much better.
H

[Delta40]

I don't like the word enchanting for the sea - it's still too quaint. Entrancing, hypnotic but not enchanted.

[Twota]

Hypnotic sounds so good yah ;O thanks for all advices =DD

[Jerrybaldy]

I don't like the word enchanting for the sea - it's still too quaint. Entrancing, hypnotic but not enchanted.

LOL . It aint easy pleasing all the people Twota.

Very much enjoyed your poem. It read like a childs tale of a giant with the world in his hand at times.

[Twota]

Lol. I like hypnotic the most too n yah can never please all xD n glad you enjoyed it =DD