The Little White Paper

[ShadowsCool]

The Little White Paper

The wind blew that piece of paper around the city streets
Landing in ally's,
Up avenues,
On rooftops,
Stuck on antenna's,
Anyone notice her message?
She was written off years ago,
A love message by a desperado
Who sent her lipstick on a journey
Of scented paper
That whipped across the city landscape.
Are we all that busy not to notice
The little white paper that blew in the wind today?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Never Learned To Fly

He died laughing.
Her brilliance celebrated.
Her cherub weightless as azure sky's.
With a thousand wings in the sky
I never learned to fly.

I stood on reasoning
Took my steps one at a time.
Never followed my intuitive dream,
I wallowed in self conceit.
Never allowed my spirit to beam.

With a thousand wings in the sky
I never flew that high.
I followed the road heavily taken,
With a thousand wings in the sky
I never learned with them to fly.

[Jack of Hearts]

I stood on reasoning
Took my steps one at a time.
Never followed my intuitive dream,
I wallowed in self conceit.
Never allowed my spirit to beam.

The great irony in the second poem is that it is an overly 'rational' presentation of its own concepts.

If this reader were you, he would be working toward being less conscious and more intuitive when composing- like the second poem advocates but does not example.

Press onwards, Cool's Shadow.





J

[ShadowsCool]

Jack of Hearts,

I am a bit confused about what you just said. Can you give me an example of such a poem that I may see what you mean? Also, who would you suggest I read (what poet)?

Thank You

Shadows

[Jack of Hearts]

Just one person's thoughts, Shadow. In the poem you've said what you've wanted to say and you've said it very directly- but there are truer ways to say these things, to make a reader understand.

No idea who you should read- this reader scarcely reads poetry outside of LitNet. Just for fun, this reader will tell you that recently read a poem called Morning by Pablo Neruda that moved him. Not sure that's helpful, but if you're bored, why not google it.







J

[ShadowsCool]

Jack of Hearts,

Thank you.

[hillwalker]

The Little White Paper is one of your best I've read - lines 7 to 11 in particular.

I might be tempted to rejig lines 2 to 5 - although I understand the concept you were aiming for, it reads rather like an arbitrary list and detracts from the overall beauty of the piece.

A love message by a desperado
Who sent her lipstick on a journey
Of scented paper
That whipped across the city landscape.

- now that's what I call poetry.

The second poem is almost on a par - but the middle stanza is rather bland. Stating things in a matter of fact way, compared to the opening verse. Compare verse 1 and 2 - in the first you write with a poet's eye. In the second you allow yourself to intrude too much into the poem and somehow it loses its magic.

But I'll say it again, I'm impressed.

H

[ShadowsCool]

Hillwalker,

I will compare stanza 1 with 2 as you stated.

Thank you for taking your time out to give me your views on these poems. Your opinion was well stated.

Regards,
Shadows

[tailor STATELY]

Especially liked:
The Little White Paper

The wind blew that piece of paper around the city streets
Landing in ally's,
Up avenues,
On rooftops,
Stuck on antenna's,
Anyone notice her message?
She was written off years ago,
A love message by a desperado
Who sent her lipstick on a journey
Of scented paper
That whipped across the city landscape.
Are we all that busy not to notice
The little white paper that blew in the wind today?

Just a syntax and a spelling error to polish off your poem perhaps: alleys & antennas - neither I believe should be possessive.

Well done.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[ShadowsCool]

TA,

Thanks for bringing that out. I appreciate you reviewing my poems.

Shadows