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ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 12:25 PM
The Darkened Dawn of Dusk on the Thirteenth Sabbath.

The darkened dawn of dusk on the thirteenth Sabbath
crouches slowly, unfolding as a rose from under thorns.
Aching hibernation eases like knots of winter thawed,
gnawing at the past day’s rusting shackles. Bided by time,
this glowing weight of prescience envelops strands of light
that linger, straying beyond their welcome. Leave now
foolish guardians of paler joy, older gods know these shifting hours.

There is intrigue in this danger, drifting redolent to spike the air,
an electric scent to prick the pores, to sharpen teeth on edge.
Hostile eyes gorge aggression on flocking sight; spiral pitched in death-swoops
hawks tear tatters into shapeless doves. A fox howl heralds return
as counter-wound wolves spring from bloodied air, to gouge down lesser dogs.
While seething froth from sea ferments a life unknown to light and casts forth from oozing shadows,
wrecking ships with bitter vice.

Praying tongues now nailed to an icy length of cross
wag curses to a sky from which God has turned his cheek.
Bestial bones adorn the altar in Christ’s long abandoned home;
wreathed in thickening flies to fur the prayers that died unknown.
Legion terror leads whip-crack laments from those processing below heaven’s scent,
to a line, long laboured faces forced up to a clock tower’s mocking gaze,
spitting time’s darkest syllable; midnight in the black house…

So tempest, choke these stars from light; snuff the tapers
then blind the night. The wind may howl in circling screams;
its priestess cursed with the thought of dreams. Bulldoze heaven,
stitch up the moon, its lustre stung to tyrannical rule.
But no hate can you paint on those masked by the fog;
for on gallows sins a grief that the righteous forgot.

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 04:43 PM
No feedback? :(

hillwalker
06-28-2011, 05:35 PM
It's difficult to give feedback on something so intense... it will take many readings to figure out what this is meant to be about, and most readers won't have the patience.

I particularly liked the 2nd stanza -

Hostile eyes gorge aggression on flocking sight; spiral pitched in death-swoops
hawks tear tatters into shapeless doves. A fox howl heralds return
as counter-wound wolves spring from bloodied air, to gouge down lesser dogs.
While seething froth from sea ferments a life unknown to light and casts forth from oozing shadows,
wrecking ships with bitter vice.

is very effective writing. But overall the images were so overwhelming that it was difficult to hold focus.

It shows a great deal of effort - but I'm not sure how successfully you have got your point across.

H

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 06:44 PM
In all honesty, I'm rather glad I've generated that effect. I'd never want my poetry to be something people can casually read and then put down. Elliciting a reaction, even a negative or hostile one is better than disinterested acknowledgement.

Delta40
06-28-2011, 07:14 PM
I agree with Hill. At 7.15am in the morning this is not something I want to apply myself too although I like its heavy description and I know you will be complimented by this!

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 07:45 PM
I agree with Hill. At 7.15am in the morning this is not something I want to apply myself too although I like its heavy description and I know you will be complimented by this!

Understandable, whereabouts in the world are you?

Delta40
06-28-2011, 07:47 PM
Australia. Poetry can be light reading and simple yet still retain a powerful effect. Read the latest post by Haunted for a fine example

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 07:58 PM
I okok

Delta40
06-28-2011, 08:12 PM
lol. Very nice description of writers block.

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 08:14 PM
By the way, is there any protection against poems being ripped and plagiarised from here? As one of these is on a competition short list and the other's been submitted for print publication...

Delta40
06-28-2011, 08:19 PM
There has been a couple of occasions where plagiarism has occurred, hence the copyright logo on my signature. A couple of years ago some of our poems turned up on a middle eastern website. This is the risk of posting on the world wide web. My understanding is this: When asked by a magazine (for e.g) if my worked has been published anywhere else the answer is yes - on Literature network because in this age of technology a post is considered by many to be a publication. In that event I must request the administrator to remove my posting in order for me to honestly answer 'no'.

I hope this helps.

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 08:23 PM
Right, yea it does thanks. Sadly I think I'm going to have to ask for them to be removed.

Delta40
06-28-2011, 08:24 PM
I think if they are going to be published elsewhere, then you should. I periodically google search lines from my poems to see if they turn up on other sites as a safeguard.

ThePoorestMouth
06-28-2011, 08:26 PM
Like I said, one's on a short list and the other has been submitted for consideration in a print magazine. I've PMd the admin so hopefully that'll sort things out. Thanks for the feedback though, it's nice to get different opinions!

Delta40
06-28-2011, 08:28 PM
Well good luck with your publication. How exciting for you!

tailor STATELY
06-29-2011, 06:04 AM
Yes. Need to c&p so I can peruse easier. 16pt in Times New Roman fits a page nicely.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY