Biggus
06-28-2011, 04:45 AM
DOOR STEPPING
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes