This World

[Dr.reid_16]

New poem, lookin' for opinions



This World

There’s nothing here,
no stars,
no hope,
in this dark world

In this sad world,
we are all,
full of hate,
and full of sadness.
What has happened to us?

Everyday, darkness grows darker,
we go about our everyday lives,
blind to what is true:
we are evil beings,
living in this evil world.

I looked down into the distance,
and saw nothing.
No stars, no hope,
I looked more,
and stared into the face of death,
he smiled.

[Delta40]

You wrote this sense of hopelessness from A Brave New World?

[Dr.reid_16]

come again?

[Delta40]

This poem is excellent for me at times when I'm feeling bleak.

[Dr.reid_16]

like my poem states, there's no hope

[Delta40]

like my poem states, there's no hope

I hope you're wrong :smilewinkgrin:

[Dr.reid_16]

i hope so too, but there is none :p

[hillwalker]

I'm assuming this is one of your lighter pieces.

It's a bit doom and gloom - but most of it is doing little more than stating a personal opinion without back up. If the reader agrees with your pessism he will nod his head and have learnt nothing new - if he doesn't then you need to provide something to convince him your vision is right. This poem doesn't do that.

Much as I appreciated the dark humour in the final verse I feel this lacks something in its current form. A springboard to a much darker, more revealing piece maybe...

H

[tailor STATELY]

I see hope everywhere in this world, the one I inhabit.

The world you have created for your poem "This World" is one I'm glad I'm not part of. There's much in your poem that goes unsaid from my perspective.

LOL @ "and stared into the face of death, he smiled." - very evocative and effective.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[everyadventure]

This poem would be more riveting if you included some details to prove your point. For example, you say we are "evil beings, living in this evil world." The world itself is evil? An interesting spin, it caught my attention, but then you don't elaborate in any way... how is it evil? Why is it evil?

You have a nugget of a poem here, but it needs a little more attention still.

[Dr.reid_16]

thanks for the advice (: (y)