Sibling Rivalry

[everyadventure]

Perhaps it is unhealthy
to fantasize about the asylum
the way others summon sandy beaches
and palm trees heavy with coconuts,

but I know that place, I visit my sister there.
I pass an elderly patient gazing into the wall,
parked in a wheelchair and lost in fields of white.

I pause as envy rises like bile.
I lean down, whisper-hiss into his shriveled ear:
Take me with you!
He does not blink.
I resist the urge to shove him,
to tumble him from his perch,
settling into his chair as though it's a throne.

No matter.
It's my sister's bed I really want,
the world contained within the perimeter
of a plastic-sheeted mattress.
I would pass the hours still as statue
as the streak of sun traveled from foot to knee.

I watch the slow rise and fall of her blanketed chest
and think of the summer trips of childhood,
her riding shotgun and me in the backseat,
tapping her shoulder, asking
for a turn.

[juliaj]

love it. I like that you take something that should be heart breaking and take it in different directions to make it much more complex

the streak of sun traveled from foot to knee.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think you put more weight on those last three words than they can bear, giving them not only a line to themselves but also separating them from
the body of the poem.

But how gracefully you escort us through these halls and to that room that were fraught with the perils of sentimentality.

[everyadventure]

Okay, Prince, I fixed that lonesome line.

[Jerrybaldy]

Your finest posting ,, it reminds me of t shirts a decade or so ago saying how people looked forward to their nervous breakdown if only they could find the time.

[Haunted]

This really echos my thoughts. If I have to lose a part of me, the best thing that can happen is to lose my mind. This way I wouldn't know what I lost.

I'm not sure if you even need this line: "I am not unacquainted: I visit my sister there." It's a bit prosaic compared to the amazing whimsical imageries throughout the poem, and it's too obvious as an explanation. Of course that doesn't take away the fact that this is a great poem with some really cool thinking.

[hillwalker]

Written from the heart methinks. A delicate touch of macabre humour - for some reason reminding me of a Stephen King novel (but I can't for the life of me remember which one).

H

[MystyrMystyry]

Not bad at all every, the way you capture little details gets me every time

[hallaig]

I would pass the hours still as statue
as the streak of sun traveled from foot to knee.


How beautiful is that? You have a real gift, of economy, of language, of recreating painful emotional reality in a powerful yet elegant way. (blurb for your first book cover, there)

[Hawkman]

This is an ooutstanding offering ea. I think I would agree with Haunted though, about the "I am not unacquainted:"

The line would flow better as:

"I visit my sister there
passing an elderly patient gazing into the wall,
parked in a wheelchair, lost in fields of white."

but it's only a suggestion.

Great poem. H

[everyadventure]

Thanks, all. Yeah, the "unacquainted" line is awkward... but I'm afraid that without it, it would seem to be a fantasy (like the palm trees). Hawkman, your suggestion was pretty good, except it sounds as though the SISTER is passing an elderly patient...

Anyone else want to take a stab at reworking that line?

Thanks for reading :)

[hallaig]

Perhaps it is unhealthy
to fantasize about the asylum
the way others summon sandy beaches
and palm trees heavy with coconuts,

but I know that place: I visit my sister there.
I pass an elderly patient gazing into the wall,
parked in a wheelchair and lost in fields of white.


?

[hillwalker]

something along the lines of

I am no stranger to my sister:
I visit her and pass an elderly patient gazing into the wall,
parked in a wheelchair and lost in fields of white.

??

[Hawkman]

The personal pronoun which begins the sentence should preclude your possible interpretation of the line, however in order to avoid any ambiguity simply replacing passing with and pass would remove any chance of misinterpretation, and is better than the repetition of I.

Best, H

[everyadventure]

@hallaig: Works for me. Thanks!