Biggus
06-27-2011, 04:53 AM
LIGHT ON HIS FETE
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Mazel Tov
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Mazel Tov