Compromise

[everyadventure]

The routine coupling
of two bodies, too familiar.
Afterward I turn away,
but with a hand on my hip,
he pulls me sharply back.
"Let me in," he urges…

but I can't, I won't.

He rests his heavy head
on my bare belly,
stubble scratching skin
as I stare at the ceiling.

I bleach his socks,
mend his pants,
grind cumin for his soup.
I give him my youth,
my flesh, my forgiveness.

but

There is a peach-sized portion of self
that is my own,
hoarded and hidden
where his hands can't reach.

I know he'd like to cut a slice,
to sample a segment
of soul for himself.

I silence him
with a kiss and a compromise:
I let him in,
once again.

[Jack of Hearts]

This one could have been good prose, ea.






J

[hallaig]

It's good. I'd ditch some stuff, eg

do you need too familiar? You've already said routine

secrets, grievances, fantasies, poems is implied in your peach sized segment of you. Get rid of it?

I don't know about the italicised sections either, how necessary they are.

Terse wee piece, like all your work reeks of reality

[PrinceMyshkin]

"ground" in "ground cumin..." should be grind and "I know he'd like...to sample a segment of soul for himself" needs either the insertion of "my" before soul, or to have established earlier that he has none of his own; whereas otherwise the poem is concerned (forcefully) with the tedium of a marriage that has become routine.

And I wonder, would it belabour the point if you were to add "once" before that final "again"?

[hillwalker]

Nobody EVER follows a sex scene through here. Dang, it's like being 16 all over again. ;)

...so, if you want something doing properly, do it yourself.

I really enjoyed reading this - and I rather like the 'segment of soul for himself' just as it is.

Redolent of regret, compromise and sassiness.

H

[ShadowsCool]

I like this. I think it's well written with some solid images.

[everyadventure]

Okay folks, tidied 'er up.

@Jack: The implication being that it makes a poor poem? :)

@Hallaig: I'm keeping the "too familiar" because I like the way it works with "two bodies." I got rid of the secrets (shh, don't tell!) and removed the italics.

@Prince: Yes, quite right about the cumin, don't know how I managed to get that wrong! I like the ambiguity of the omission of "my" in front of "soul." And I have given you your "once."

@Hill: Ha, I'm afraid this poem is rather disappointing as far as that goes!

Thanks, all, for reading...