Beauty you saw

[maps2011]

Dark brown eyes and a face so bright
shiny hair which stays right
swing of her hips and model height
wherever she goes steals spotlight


Glamorous dresses perfect tight
"one of a kind" suits her right
with her only,you can dance all night
fall for her love at first sight


Peaceful ocean but storms and tide
under the flowers thorns hide
sweetest things may misguide
beauty she is,but is she inside?


Warm and lovely smile she wore
sweet words she spoke to show
only to those she wants to know
for poor,for weak she shuts the door


Wealth and power she searches for
to a beauty of such they won't say no
It's only herself she cares for
expect nothing from the beauty you saw

[IceM]

Dark brown eyes and a face so bright
shiny hair which stays right
swing of her hips and model height
wherever she goes steals spotlight


Glamorous dresses perfect tight
"one of a kind" suits her right
with her only,you can dance all night
fall for her love at first sight


Peaceful ocean but storms and tide
under the flowers thorns hide
sweetest things may misguide
beauty she is,but is she inside?


Warm and lovely smile she wore
sweet words she spoke to show
only to those she wants to know
for poor,for weak she shuts the door


Wealth and power she searches for
to a beauty of such they won't say no
It's only herself she cares for
expect nothing from the beauty you saw

I've never seen your poems here before, so I'll give you a swooping piece of advice that will spare you the opinions of others.

Rhyme scheme is not essential to poetry. Never compromise the integrity of meaning for the sake of rhyme. The second line of the first stanza makes no sense. "Perfect tight," "for week she shuts the door," seem forced because you wanted maintain rhyme. Clarity of content and strength of imagery are infinitely more important.

If you want to be a poet with more success, read poems of others on this site, and the following comments. See what others posters are writing and how we feel about them, and adapt some styles to your voice. Work at the craft and the dividends will show.

As for this poem, the insistence to rhyme and the abundance of cliches made it difficult for me to remotely enjoy it.

Best of luck.

[hillwalker]

I'll second IceM's opinion - this poem has become shipwrecked on the reefs of 'rhyme before reason' as well as adopting some strange style of syntax to maintain the meter.

This line stands out as a shining example of where the poem falls apart :

wherever she goes (she?) steals (the?) spotlight

It doesn't make a great deal of sense as you've written it. Would you actually speak like this?? Because you are speaking to your readers when you give them stuff like this to read.

It appears that you are prepared to compromise what you are trying to express in order to maintain the poem's 'form'. But all you end up doing is writing a nonsensical series of lines ending with words that happen to rhyme.

You need to read poetry - get a feel for it - identify that there's much more to it than stringing words together that appear to fit your misguided idea of what constitutes a poem.

Don't give up - but cut the chains of rhyme and you've taken a bold step in the right direction.

H