With Her

[ShadowsCool]

As I was walking with her
Everything in the forest came alive.
Daffodils in the meadows wrangled in the air,
Great wondrous sounds blew in excitement everywhere,
Calls of the wild blew of enchantment through the tree's
With wondrous sounds filling the ear everywhere.

There were great butterflies
Skillfully sowing through embankments,
And waterfalls clapping twenty feet from the air;
Our eyes open wide in its wonder,
And scents of the most melodic flowers
Played like tulips on the tip of our nose.

Everywhere everything was stunning and alive,
Yet none could compare to the dance I felt stirring inside me,
For her, this lovely being, such that was with me.
Her hair, her freedom, her black raven hair
That blew stunning and on me there.

There she fell on top of me
I could just see her nose, her beaming eyes
Locked within her hair, as I grasped her
And she in me, wild and free.

[Jerrybaldy]

I am far too cynical to comment. D'oh.

[hillwalker]

Gosh. This is so over the top it's laughable... and so sickly sweet...

...and then you spotted her nose. Romanticism and realism combined.

I suggest you take a cold shower then begin again. Try writing about the real world instead of some fantasy, Wordsworthian planet that never existed and never will.

H

[ShadowsCool]

I'm starting to wonder why people must comment negatively if they find a poem they don't like. I'm batting like 0 for 20 and I know not all my stuff is that bad. So maybe it's just the nature of this place. I suppose poetry is not subjective after all. I'll post a few more and then I'll go my merry way. I got thick skin but I'm no sucker for a beating. And that's how I feel by this place, beaten up. I have never once offered negative comments on anyone's work I didn't like. It's just really not a nice thing to do. But who needs to be nice I suppose.

[IceM]

As I was walking with her
Everything in the forest came alive.
Daffodils in the meadows wrangled in the air,
Great wondrous sounds blew in excitement everywhere,
Calls of the wild blew of enchantment through the tree's
With wondrous sounds filling the ear everywhere.

There were great butterflies
Skillfully sowing through embankments,
And waterfalls clapping twenty feet from the air;
Our eyes open wide in its wonder,
And scents of the most melodic flowers
Played like tulips on the tip of our nose.

Everywhere everything was stunning and alive,
Yet none could compare to the dance I felt stirring inside me,
For her, this lovely being, such that was with me.
Her hair, her freedom, her black raven hair
That blew stunning and on me there.

There she fell on top of me
I could just see her nose, her beaming eyes
Locked within her hair, as I grasped her
And she in me, wild and free.

As a work, this has too many abstractions. "Everything came alive" feels generic. "Great wondrous sounds" when referring to the sound of the wind through the trees is too broad. What kind of sounds? Be more specific.

AuntShecky gives good advice around here as to erasing the abstractions and filling poetry with concrete examples. Here I'll take that claim. You want your poetry to illicit sensations in the reader, applying both to their sensitivies and their senses (in this case, not the same thing). I want to hear the rustle of the wind in ways I've never imagined it, feel the forest, her presence, without feeling like I've heard it before. Mind you, poetry isn't necessarily a psychological explosion of avant-garde descriptions; rather, strong poetry gives the reader a sense of place, a firm craft that engrosses the reader into the atmosphere being presented. Your descriptions are common. As T.S. Eliot suggested (and I quote roughly here), poetry with crude sounds create crude images. He meant to suggest that the conversational sounds, tones in speech should be avoided in poetry because they detract from the art. Create something that gives us a sense of place in your poetry. I promise we'll respond more positively to work of that caliber.

If you're serious about being a better writer (not to be condescending), read more. Understand the economy of diction in poetry. Figure out what descriptions, sound combinations work better than others. It'll reflect in your poetry.


I'm starting to wonder why people must comment negatively if they find a poem they don't like. I'm batting like 0 for 20 and I know not all my stuff is that bad. So maybe it's just the nature of this place. I suppose poetry is not subjective after all. I'll post a few more and then I'll go my merry way. I got thick skin but I'm no sucker for a beating. And that's how I feel by this place, beaten up. I have never once offered negative comments on anyone's work I didn't like. It's just really not a nice thing to do. But who needs to be nice I suppose.

Your poetry isn't bad, it's okay. Hillwalker was a bit out of line, but the underlying point is that your poetry still needs to mature. Read more, either from the writers here or in published works.

It feels as though, upon writing a poem, you've instantly settled on it as is. Revision makes the work better. In line with Walt McDonald, don't settle for the ideas in the first draft, look to expand. That which shocks the writer will shock the reader. Read more and work tirelessly at poetry; it will pay dividends.

[hallaig]

Wow. What were you drinking? Wee bit overblown, I would say, but truly a hymn to love. I find the first two lines in the final verse a bit frightening, though.

[ShadowsCool]

IceMan:

I do appreciate you pointing out some things that I can learn from. I certainly will take in what you wrote. I'm certainly a work in progress since I have no formal training in the art of writing. I tend to write what is on my mind. The problem with me is I haven't written in 15 years and it shows. I need to read up as you point out and learn! Thanks for your constructive critique!

Shadows