Heavenly Beach

[Twota]

The crashing waves reach out,
for my body on the golden sand,
to tickle my heart,
with an invisible hand,
and i watch those mermaids,
coming out of the blue,
splashing and laughing,
as the blazing sun,
licks their soft salty skin..

I gaze at the blue sky,
white clouds and swimming birds,
a reflection of the underneath,
and as the tropical breeze,
kisses my sun burnt cheek,
a question crosses my mind,
if I ever am to choose,
between this beach and heaven,
what will be my choice?

[hillwalker]

There are some pleasant images here - but it's a bit muddled because you have tried to fit too much into such a short piece.

The first four lines don't draw the reader in the way they should - it's focussing too much on the writer rather than the scene. And I'm guessing your 'country lungs' are meant to signify where you come from but the phrase again is too distracting. We don't need to know this to appreciate the perfection of the location.

You would do better to concentrate on the beauty of the scenery and what it means to you. There's also room for some tidying up :

'crashing waves' and 'crashed waves' in the same verse is carelessness

and the poem changes tense more than once for no apparent reason :

'I am lying...' - 'I watched...' - 'I gaze...' - 'a question crossed my mind...'

H

[Twota]

Hmm , so i have to concentrate on the scenery and the tenses shouldn't change for no reason and yah -crashing waves and crashed waves- suck at the same verse but couldn't find a replacement , and i guess u missed the previous poem -Hate- , i always love to know what u think of my poems ;D

[hillwalker]

Hmm , so i have to concentrate on the scenery and the tenses shouldn't change for no reason and yah -crashing waves and crashed waves- suck at the same verse but couldn't find a replacement , and i guess u missed the previous poem -Hate- , i always love to know what u think of my poems ;D

1) you don't have to - it's your poem. But what were you really writing about?

2) there has to be a reason for a change in tense - if not, be consistent and stick to one

3) 'couldn't find a replacement' - (!) in that case try harder or look for an alternative. No one said writing is easy.

4) I did read 'Hate' and most of the previous posters had already made enough relevant points to make mine unnecessary

5) I always like to see your poems on here

H

[Twota]

Hmmh , you are right i was writing about the scene mainly , and oh you read it ;D thanks lots =]

[qimissung]

You could possible dispense with the first four lines, change crashed to crashing and drop "then" at the beginning of the second stanza.

It makes me want to go to the beach!

[Twota]

Hmm , yah that's possible , i ll do it now.. Ty and GO TO THE BEACH =]

[Twota]

And guess the tenses are fixed too now?

[IceM]

The crashing waves reach out
for my body on the golden sand
to tickle my heart
with an invisible hand--
and i watch those mermaids
coming out of the blue,
splashing and laughing,
as the blazing sun
licks their soft, salty skin..

I gaze at the blue sky,
white clouds and swimming birds,
a reflection of the underneath,
and as the tropical breeze
kisses my sun burnt cheek,
a question crosses my mind:
if I ever am to choose
between this beach and heaven,
what will be my choice?

A few things stuck out here:

1) The first four lines--if the waves reach out to tickle your heart, and you can see the waves, the hands are not invisible.

2) Second stanza, third line: a reflection of the underneath? This makes absolutely no sense to me. A reflection of what's under the water? If there are swimming birds and white clouds under the water, it's an interesting world.

3) You overuse caesuras. I've quoted your poem, but have removed the unnecessary linebreaks. I hope you prefer this revision. It reads much smoother.

A revision will do well here. You have a good idea and some decent imagery. Don't use the images that first come to mind when writing unless that's the best you can do. Always test your imagination.

[Twota]

well , ice..

1) the waves are reaching out , i can see waves then they aint invisible , makes sense ..that's my bad x/

2) however i don't know how you took the -I gaze at the blue sky,
white clouds and swimming birds,
a reflection of the underneath, - part , cuz it makes sense to me .. the sky is a reflection for the sea , the clouds are waves , the birds are fishes and mermaids..

3) and yes i need an urgent punctuation lesson xD

but glad you liked the idea and the imagery x] and i ll make sure to revise the next poem =D thanks for the advice ('',)

[Jerrybaldy]

I love the beach and beach poetry and as an undiluted love of the place, I loved your poem.

[Twota]

Thanks Jerry , glad you like it =DD

[qimissung]

I like the changes you made! How do you like your poem, now, Twota?

[Twota]

Yah , sounds much better now =D the 1st 4 lines were useless and caused a problem cuz of -crashing waves , crashed waves- but it's fixed now. ;D

[everyadventure]

Loved the mermaids, especially the line "licks their soft salty skin."

[Twota]

Thanks everyadventure =D the mermaids loved you too =]