Getting rid of them

[Milanco]

Yesterday afternoon, after the classes were over, some folks and I went to café for a drink. We talked and laughed as we always did. Loudly, the way we are used to. Ali made a joke which made us laughing to death. I couldn’t stop laughing for almost a whole minute. In the middle of laughing, for less than a second, I felt like I didn’t know whether I was laughing or crying. It felt weird. I instantly made sure I was laughing.
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When I came back home, I was tired. Got a little rest. Had a lot of work to get done from last week. Mom and dad were going to a ceremony. If I hadn’t have that much of work, I would have gone with them. But I preferred not to let them accumulate and to GET RID OF THEM.
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They were in a hurry so Mom didn’t make me a dinner. I decided to have scrambled eggs. I remembered a time, long ago, when I saw a small piece of bloody clot suspended in yolk and glair when I broke the egg. It didn’t bother me at that time and I had the egg, but last night I couldn’t stand even thinking of it. Called a fast food and ordered pizza. Mom and dad came back late.
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I guess I fell asleep very fast last night. I dreamed that I was home, alone, going to make scrambled eggs. I broke the egg in exactly the same way as dad did: I broke it by bruising it against the very plate. There was a small piece of clot suspended in an ocean of yolk and glair. The blood got larger, and again larger. It covered the whole egg. Then the whole kitchen floor was in blood. I saw the chicken too. Its size was typical. Its eyes seemed blind and its body was all bloody. It was crying nonstop, and in the middle, it laughed for some very short moments. Its crying and laughing sounds were like those of a human. I left the kitchen so it would not harm me. Its sound was getting louder and louder. I don’t remember the rest of the dream.
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Today, after I woke up, I thought of last night’s dream. It was weird a little. I got up fast and got ready to go to college. Mom and dad had gone to work. They had had their breakfast and had set the table for me. I had mine and came out. I have classes till 5 in the afternoon, and after that, I am going out with Sarah to get a birthday present for dad. His birthday is in two days. I should surprise him.

[Jack of Hearts]

It seems only a bit constricted by technical aspects of language use. That said, the part about the egg and then the dream about the egg are still oddly effective. The whole piece has a rapid pace to it, doesn't it?







J

[Milanco]

Thank you Jack!

As for the difficulties with the language use, I should say I did see this coming as I am not a native English speaker. But could you also tell me if you think the problems with the command of language make it difficult to read or understand the story?

I'm glad you liked those two paragraphs. I may add some notes here, but I'd prefer to wait and see further comments before I explicitly say something that I expect the story itself to have implied.

M

[MANICHAEAN]

M
Might I guess that the story reflects the atmosphere of a recent arrival in the US? The command of English is not so much a problem, as long as the passion is there to read widely, inculcate the basic structure into your brain & then develop your own difinitive style. Have you read any Hemingway? He had a style, when it suited him, to go for the short, sharp sentences like yourself.
M

[Milanco]

Thank you MANICHAEAN!


Might I guess that the story reflects the atmosphere of a recent arrival in the US?

Was a really smart guess Manichean! The answer is "No" by the way. I first wrote this story two years ago in my native language.


Have you read any Hemingway? He had a style, when it suited him, to go for the short, sharp sentences like yourself.

I sure have. But I happened to like Carver a little better. Carver's short, sharp sentences motivated me to write in this way, more than did those of Hemingway. By the way, I guess Carver himself has learned a lot from Hemingway.

In the end, it's nice to hear my sentences being characterized as short but sharp. But do you also think they have been successful in conveying a message altogether?

M

[MANICHAEAN]

M
Affirmative.
M.