Gilga Mesh

[MLHForster]

You make a triangular shape, standing legs apart,
Two thirds belong to you the other to the earth,
'I'll look after me' you say, 'You look after you,
we'll care for nothing more abort mother natures birth.

Living for what belongs to you,
Discard the third and final part,
Gilgamesh re-incarnate, far apart in space and time,
Yet you hold him, eyes closed, close to your heart.

Progress the values of the present time,
For man, not beast not future,
No second thought to waste,
A spiritual crime, morality a stranger

Dying as a hero does,
Tears, burial, applause, commemoration,
Remembered for years to pass for what you said and done,
In hatred, grave in danger.

[MLHForster]

Oh yeah and er http://matthewlhforster.blogspot.com/ er yeah.

[hillwalker]

I didn't understand thispoem I regret to say - perhaps because there's no basic logic to most of the statements you are making, and some of the lines display muddled thinking...


we'll care for nothing more abort mother natures birth.

did you mean about - and why do we care no more for mother nature after doing what you tell us to do???


Discard the third and final part, which is what exactly? The earth??


Gilgamesh re-incarnate, far apart in space and time, - what are far apart? is it Gilgamesh and the earth, or what???

I could go on picking holes in this since most of what's left is hard to follow logically - but the final lines again finish on a strange note...


Remembered for years to pass for what you said and done,
In hatred, grave in danger. - what is this meant to signify??

I think you began with an idea and let it run away from you without giving much thought to what you were trying to express. If you actually understand what you yourself wrote I'd be surprised.

H

[MLHForster]

Thanks for your insight, now I realise it a dreadful poem, how blind I was. In the future I shall run my creative endeavours past you before posting them up. I don't know about you but when I don't understand things I have read I often do some research and try to further my knowledge.

[hillwalker]

Thanks for your insight, now I realise it a dreadful poem, how blind I was. In the future I shall run my creative endeavours past you before posting them up.

No need, honestly. If you find my comments not to your liking then I shall be more than happy to ignore any of your future posts.

If the reader needs to research the subject matter of the poem before reading it for it to make sense then something is amiss.

H

[MLHForster]

Ok, that would be nice, thankyou. {EDIT}

regards

[hillwalker]

Actually I’m a warm-hearted, well-balanced guy with many friends who dote on me {Edit}


... and if I get shown the red card for making 'personal comments' so be it.

H

[MLHForster]

They dote on you, jesus, yeah you are well balanced oh and warm hearted. LitNet asylum its not an asylum, its a literature website. See how easy it is to de-construct peoples writings and that's what I see you do quite often on here to mine and other peoples work, take things out of context and then take the piss.

[Jack of Hearts]

What is going on with this place lately?

This poem may be well thought out/very intellectual but you have no way of proving it because the execution of the thing doesn't work. This reader has no idea what it is supposed to be about or how he's supposed to feel about it.

Typically, you would be referred to other threads and posters for advice, but here's some feedback.

Start simpler, break these big ideas down a bit and do not sacrifice clarity for 'poetic device.'






J

[MLHForster]

Cheers Jackson! I'll have a tinker about with it and will repost it on this thread.

Regards,

[everyadventure]

Um. This place is nuts.

Yes, we get the reference to Gilgamesh.

Much of the syntax is nonsense: "care for nothing more abort mother natures birth," "In hatred, grave in danger." Clumsy and convoluted.

[IceM]

I used to think poetry was an excuse to writing something almost unintelligible too.

Read more poetry and you'll grow out of it.

[CellarDoor]

Allusions of grandeur? Gilgamesh is an epic (in both the modern and classic sense of the word) poem. I feel it's not unreasonable to ask the reader to have this in their repertoire, as this is the key allusion for this poem. However, I feel that some of the grammar is clunky which detracts greatly from the overall resonance of the piece, particularly considering the context you're asking of the reader.

[PrinceMyshkin]

We all identify to some extent with the things we write but most of us, I believe, can recognize when it is the writing and not the writer that is being criticized.

[munkinhead]

Some people welcome criticism and some never get over it.

[papayahed]

Warning

Please discuss the poetry and not each other. Personal attacks and inflammatory comments are neither welcome nor will be tolerated and will earn those involved infraction points.

This section of the forum is to gain feedback on your work if you are not ready to receive negative feedback

-as well as positive-

you might like to reconsider your decision to share your views and/or artistic work with others on a public forum.
~

[MLHForster]

Thank you for your comments I have apologised to hillwalker for what I said as I was quite out of order. I'll bare in mind what you have said in regards to it not being a personal insult more that it is a critique of work

regards

[Jack of Hearts]

Skillful editing- the exhange went from mean-spirited to hilarious.

MLH, we've all been there, defensive about our own work etc. This reader hopes you're not dissauded from presenting a revision.





J