No feathers, No Wings

[NoRule]

I never did ask for the convenience of my life
Influenza shots and coffee pots, I shouldn’t feel this strife
Yet anyway, from day to day, I enact their sinful plan
Quantified, commodified, I’m just another brand

I want to soar away from here
But all I have are worthless leathers and lifeless molded things
I want to soar away from here
But this concrete ****ing cage has clipped me of everything that’s dear

A soul painted neon with a shirt and a shoe
My heart holds broken passions like a dog who cannot chew
The world I see is bleak
When all I want is black
The dreams I formed when I was born are never coming back

One day I’ll soar away from here
Away from all of this indifference which makes my choice so ****ing clear
One day I’ll soar away from here,
I’ll live my life with black and red just like a buccaneer

I’ll steal doubloons to buy balloons,
I’ll fill them up and fly away,
Live my life with brighter days
And say Good riddance, I’m finally free.

[Jack of Hearts]

NoRule-

It's really hard to make sense out of this. It may have gotten away from you a little bit, in the rhyme and the quasi-structure of it.

Things that don't make sense: 'A soul painted neon with a shirt and a shoe'- unless this is footwear punditry, there's a french phrase that applies here... quoi?.

Was going to list more, but really it's everywhere here. There are various, not-subtle contextual clues that the narrator is 1) unhappy and 2) wants escape (from a life of 'influenza shots and coffee pots', whatever they're supposed to commonly represent- this reader has no idea).

Having no real poetry skill himself, this reader can't really tell you how to fix it. But there may be an old Scottish guy around here, or sometimes an old guy from Canada, or an old guy from England that can help you out. There's good advice on these boards you could read that's been left to other posters if you are interested in polishing up your skill in general- a look backward through the postings could be worth the search.






J

[NoRule]

J,

I see... Well I appreciate your comments greatly and will take them into consideration. Honestly, I think that you, or anyone, not understanding the poem is hardly a reason to revise. It's interesting because, since the poem came out of me, each phrase and line makes perfect sense and it is hard for me to understand what doesn't make sense about it. Whereas most of the poem smoothly flowed out of my mind, I spent a good chunk of time editing and revising to make it not only sound nice, but to have the poem make sense as well, and I am very proud of the result.

Thanks for the comments,
NoRule

[billl]

I'm thinking that the soul of neon is meant to maybe be a commercialized/marketed soul, just like the shoe or shirt it is programmed to yearn for, maybe?

And then the poem flees consumerism in order to find good times and freedom in a world of theft. That's my interpretation.

[NoRule]

I'm thinking that the soul of neon is meant to maybe be a commercialized/marketed soul, just like the shoe or shirt it is programmed to yearn for, maybe?

And then the poem flees consumerism in order to find good times and freedom in a world of theft. That's my interpretation.

Bill,

Excellent interpretation! Not theft, though... Anarchy!

NoRule

[billl]

Well, it is theft if you value other individuals.

[NoRule]

Well, it is theft if you value other individuals.

bill,
I don't understand what you mean by this.
NoRule

[hillwalker]

The "old Scottish guy" quite likes this - much more than your 'Iggy Pup' piece which was a little too sentimental and personalised for anyone who didn't know him to appreciate.

I interpreted this as someone hacked off with consumerism and society's need for conformity - a writer rebelling against Western civilisation as it applies to her/him.

The internal rhyme when its there is cleverly constructed - it doesn't overpower the poem and to me didn't seem particularly forced (unlike some rhymes on here) - but it's not consistent. The second verse, for example, is much weaker than the first because the structure changes and the repetition of lines 1 and 3 give the impression you were suddenly stuck for words.

I'm also with Jack in thinking that perhaps it lost its way by the last two verses that change the focus from the real world to something more like Pirates of the Caribbean.

But overall, a piece that shows great promise. It just needs alittle more tinkering perhaps.

H

[MLHForster]

'I’ll live my life with black and red just like a buccaneer', its always nice to hear this, and I liked your poem very much indeed.

[hallaig]

Good ideas, but you're hampered by a clunking rhythm and rhyme that seems hammered into place. There's more than one way to achieve a flow or musicality. I always read them over to myself or someone else and if I find myself gulping for breath at certain lines, I restructure.

[CellarDoor]

I quite liked the forced nature of the rhyme. The sentiment is anti-consumerist which implies anti-conformism. It feels like the rhyming structure reflects the structure imposed by consumerist society and the poet is having difficulty being confined to this imposed structure. Quite like the neon soul line, thought a comma could help here. Overall some interesting ideas. :-)

[everyadventure]

This is my favorite poem of yours so far. I like the details you threw in to illustrate your message: "influenza shots and coffee pots," "worthless leathers," "a shirt and a shoe."

This poem is colorful, and although it may not make literal "sense," the images you've created tell the story with MOOD. "I’ll live my life with black and red just like a buccaneer" may not make a lot of sense, but the reader understands completely because of the emotions the imagery induces.

A few lines were clunky, "I enact their sinful plan" and "Away from all of this indifference which makes my choice so ****ing clear" ought to be reworked. But really, I liked this one a lot!

[IceM]

It's interesting you chose the color black in stanza three. Black is the absence of everything. As a symbol, it makes for a perhaps unintended read--you're suggesting you want freedom, yet use a color that suggests an absence of everything. Perhaps black would be better suited in describing your environment. There is nothing there that satisfies you. Using it as a symbol for freedom seems a mistake until your redeeming "buccaneer" line later.

NoRule, as a suggestion, if a reader, or number of readers struggle to understand your writing, it suggests that the product given cannot be fully appreciated. Inevitably what you see in the poem is much different than what others not involved in the creative process will see. When a reader cannot fully decipher your poem, it is perhaps an indication that you have some clumsy phrases, or we will not be able to appreciate your work on the level you intend.

As a work of poetry, this piece succeeds the greatest in sentiment. The backlash against consumerism is clear, and your impulse to leave and be free is tangible. You have some obvious cliches: "brighter days," "day to day." You also have some imprecision--indifference is an interesting word choice, for it seems the society you portray is defined by an interest in material goods, which would not make them indifferent.

I'm not sure how much better a revision can make this poem. That isn't to say it should remain as is, I just fear that any future revisions may diminish the expressable sentiment. If your point was to capture a sentiment, it succeeded heavily. If this poem was meant to achieve a success of form and content, you have some faults, but a revision might detract sentiment at the expense of better form. I'm not sure how you should proceed with this one.

Thanks for sharing.