Family fun.

[dwiguitar]

Family fun

A short story by L.K.Paradis


He brought a board game home.
"Contact the other side... consults with the deceased." she read.
"I'll show you, it's just a game." he said.
They opened it after dinner's serving, set things up when the sun was waning.
They placed their hands on the game piece.

She always took the kids out on Sundays.
"Maybe we should drop the nanny, we're coming home much earlier now." he proposed.
"The kids love her! And it's boring to be here seven days instead of six." she replied.
While work took most of their daily faces, they still found place for loving glances.
But every moment counts the same whichever way it plays.

He thought about his day at work.
"We're supposed to concentrate on the game you know." She smiled.
"Yeah... I saw John on my way home. He glanced at me and said I should be careful." He laughed.
Their minds then just started clearing, and found a pattern in their reading.

I-A-M

...



The lights then went out and the Ouija board snapped in half.
"Don't look! the walls are bleeding!" he warned.

"THE CRUCIFIX IS INVERTING!" she screamed.

Black candles were constantly burning, around the air a preacher's warning.
He brought a wretched curse home.

[Bluehound]

I like the way this starts and I like your style of writing, the second part is good although I had to read twice to work out that the Nanny was "She" who had taken the kids out of the way.
I also like the third part about having to clear your mind of work clutter, but then unfortunately it drops into a bit obvious ouija territory.
If something original happened at this point , I would have really enjoyed the piece.

[hillwalker]

I found this rather more difficult to follow because the focus of attention changes far too suddenly.

The first paragraph's construction is rather naive as well. A list of arbitrary statements that strung together are meant to form a story.

And then the second paragraph seems to have no relation to the first. Are they still about to play the game? If so, what have the kids or the nanny got to do with any of it?

Also, some of your expressions are rather strange - 'when the sun was waning' (the moon wanes, but the sun remains a complete disc throughout each season) - and - 'work took most of their daily faces' is meaningless the way it's written.

Then the ending appears rushed - as if suddenly you decided you wanted to throw in a scene from 'The Exorcist' to add a supernatural element to the story, but had really grown rather tired of it by that point.

If you intend to make a story from this it needs a great deal more fleshing out - you need to have a plot structure in mind - and perhaps work on your syntax.

H