Things I'd Say To You In Front Of Him

[Trever J Bennett]

I would say

the moment I stopped loving you

was when I made every attempt to communicate

and you didn’t even listen

you waited for me to finish

and then you talked

and talked

for hours,

I remember everything we said,

and you don’t even try to hear my words

you talk over me

and you’re mad when I return the favor.

You never forget to bring up that I left you first

but if you really look far enough back

the score is pretty even

I guess thats just what love ends up like


The f*ck of it is that without you around

I only forget why we separated


I’ll try and milk two years out of someone else now

see what that tastes like

and get out of there

before it’s sour

and tastes like sh*t with every goodbye.


You said he doesn’t fit you like I did

maybe that’s because I listened

and did my homework

I rarely slept well with you,

you never had trouble.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Self-justifying notes in the wake of a break-up are rarely either convincing or interesting, but trying to pass one of them off as a poem is far too much of a stretch. There's nothing here in the way of lively language or music or images.

[Trever J Bennett]

You're right it's a bit too in the negative, it could really use balance.
Do you have anything actually constructive to say or are you just going to walk into a piece with presumptions?
I actually am all ears. I'm actually asking you to say something helpful. I'm not being sarcastic.

[Jack of Hearts]

It's way too dependent on logical expression and presentation. It's like what someone might say to someone else in a conversation- overly dramatic and tainted by the lens of ego.

Rather than explain all these things rationally, use language to make your readers feel your situation (ex, rhetorical devices, syntax construction, etc). If it is a direct statement to another person there are truer ways of saying things than like an adolescent love note- the previous suggestion applies still. Any further advice would be to write the poem for you.





J

[Trever J Bennett]

Yeah, definitely not satisfied with this piece anymore. Thanks. If I revisit I'll repost in this thread

[PrinceMyshkin]

You're right it's a bit too in the negative, it could really use balance.
Do you have anything actually constructive to say or are you just going to walk into a piece with presumptions?
I actually am all ears. I'm actually asking you to say something helpful. I'm not being sarcastic.

I understand your frustration, but to offer anything constructive I'd have to

a) be you and have lived your life to this point;
b) be acquainted with the person addressed and the history of that relationship, and
c) have read all the poems you ever read PLUS a great many more...

[Trever J Bennett]

I understand your frustration, but to offer anything constructive I'd have to

a) be you and have lived your life to this point;
b) be acquainted with the person addressed and the history of that relationship, and
c) have read all the poems you ever read PLUS a great many more...

See this is helpful, thanks.

[YesNo]

There are two small "stanzas" or "paragraphs" between the first and last that I think don't help the theme, but I enjoyed the content of the first and last stanzas. The last two lines were nice as well as the description of her not appreciating it when you "returned the favor" and talked over her.

[CellarDoor]

I like this piece. I'm a sucker for the confessional mode, and I think this captures the raw sentiment you wish to portray very well. I feel something when I read this, and I think that there is a place for balance in verse but it shouldn't be asked of the overall sentiment. It's not necessary to put a positive turn on everything. However, this is a theme which has been well worn before. Perhaps you could massage this energy into something more, by introducing a conceit and layering the meaning you wish to put forward.

Just my 2 cents, disregard with extreme prejudice ;-)

[jajdude]

I reckon not many poems can pull off the space between every line and still be good. I doubt this is a great poem but I think the spacing is right. To me it showed distance between lovers grown apart. Dunno if that was intended or if that's obvious.

[Trever J Bennett]

I reckon not many poems can pull off the space between every line and still be good. I doubt this is a great poem but I think the spacing is right. To me it showed distance between lovers grown apart. Dunno if that was intended or if that's obvious.

I was going for a breath before each line.

[Jerrybaldy]

I enjoyed reading and I enjoy your avatar, but hey that may be the lack of hair :D
If this poem is personal, let me pass on the best advice I ever recieved. Bitterness makes you ugly.
Look forward to reading more Trever.