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alcala0001
06-13-2011, 09:17 PM
I roll up on the house just as the sun is dipping over the horizon. The moon is already out, hovering in the darkening sky like a bleached skull. I grind the gears of the old International pickup truck and kill the engine, coasting to a stop behind Omar's black sedan. I climb out and slam the rusted door behind me. Leaves crunch under my foot and my breath blows wisps of steam in the chilled autumn air. A dry creek bed runs behind the house, and behind that is a forest of dry, leafless trees. I walk up the creaky stairs, grey wood with chips of white paint clinging to it like dead skin. The whole house looks to be in poor shape. I open the dirty screen door and Omar and Schmidt are there on the couch with a girl. Yellowed lace covers the furniture. Curios and trinkets, porcelain figurines and commemorative plates plaster the walls, shelves and flat surfaces.

No, not a girl - a woman. She's petite. She would even be pretty if her eyes weren't all puffy and red from crying, clear snot dripping down her top lip. I take off my hat and her eyes go wide. I'm used to it. I let her get a good, long look. It's called argyria, and I get no shortage of stares from it. Omar put's a reassuring hand on her leg. "Casey, this is Argentine. He's going to help us." I nod at her and Schmidt brings me up to speed, wasting no time. Grandma and Grandpa were mauled in the back of the house They didn't make it. Casey's little brother Jeff was bitten, but he's upstairs under sedation and he's being cleansed intravenously. Casey was being chased when Omar and Schmidt arrived. The Wolves escaped. "OK. Good. They will come back for the boy, maybe her too" I say, gesturing to her with my chin. Panic sets in her face, her eyes go wide and her mouth hangs open in protest. Omar is there, arms around her, reassuring her. He shoots me a warning with his eyes. "Oh my God!" She squeaks. "What are we going to do?!" She looks around like a cornered animal, tears welling in her eyes. "You and Jeff will be fine." Omar coos in his deep, soothing voice. "Argentine here is our secret weapon." She doesn't seem to take comfort from that.

Schmidt and Omar tell Casey about me, about my appearance and why I'm here. "Colloidal silver" Schmidt explains, "Argentine has been ingesting it over several years. The silver has saturated his tissue, giving him that blue-grey skin. Wolves try to bite or scratch him, and they are dead. Wounds caused by their teeth or claws heal instantly on his flesh." I take off my shirt to show her my scars. She reaches out a hand to touch the puckered flesh. She isn't looking at me like a freak. She's looking at me like i'm Jesus or something. "How do you know they will come back? What makes you so sure?" Omar explains "Wolves are very careful about who they infect. They marked your brother and they will be back tonight to claim him." Yelps and cries ring out over the hills. Omar and Schmidt escort Casey up the stairs to Jeff's room. It's their song. Come and get me.





This is something that I've been toying with for a little while. I decided to throw it down and see how it lands.

Jack of Hearts
06-14-2011, 03:17 AM
Lands unfinished and very pop. A lot of characters, not a lot of context, very busy and much left vague. In this reader's opinion, not only does this particular section of the story need to be 'slowed down' and expanded a bit, but the whole story must go further if kept in any similar state- as it stands it's hard to see anything coming of it but an excerpt without any kind of resolution in sight.







J

hillwalker
06-14-2011, 11:28 AM
It's got potential, but there is an awful lot to absorb in such a short piece. This could be expanded, making better use of pacing and introducing the characters rather more smoothly.

I also found the opening paragraph overloaded with descriptions. It's as if you wanted to get them off your chest before starting to tell the story.

You might also want to consider rewriting these 2 sentences - when read aloud they're a little awkward :

A dry creek bed runs behind the house, and behind that is a forest of dry, leafless trees. I walk up the creaky stairs, grey wood with chips of white paint clinging to it like dead skin.

Apart from the sound repetition we're left trying to figure out where the stairs came from.

H

alcala0001
06-14-2011, 05:24 PM
solid advice from both of you. thanks! i agree it feels rushed and unfinished. it's something that i can work on now that it's on here.