17Years Old Child!

[Twota]

He was seventeen years old ,
nice , smart and a lil too shy ,
his looks aint decent , his smile doesn't shine ,
innocent and playful , you 'ld mistake him for a child ,
sees beauty in everything , persues happiness in every way ,
he lives in his own world , like a child's dream ,

For him reality is the biggest fear ,
a continuous nightmare that haunts him everynight ,
when he lets go of his world , in order to sleep ,
his inner eyes wake and insomnia sneaks ,
comparing his two worlds , he cries at the giant interval ,
wishing they could just merge , so he wont be frozen in time ,

Thinking about it , it is impossible to achieve , but ,
innocent and naive as a child , the solution was so simple ,
he just created another new world between ours and his ,
but it was morning already , so he got up with a tired smile..
of hope and relief , but poor little child , is he going to sleep tonight ?

[ShadowsCool]

Hi,

I like it very much. Reminds me of someone I use to know.

Shadows

[Twota]

Ty shadows , it reminds me of myself lol ;D

[hillwalker]

Firstly, 'nice' in line 2 doesn't tell us much about the boy.
I'm guessing you didn't spend very long deliberating about which word to use before jotting down that one. It could be left out and the poem won't suffer its loss.

'you'll mistake him for a child' is also superfluous and is better left out.
The way you have described the main character, the reader can reach their own conclusions and hopefully decide for themselves that he is still child-like.

The second verse is a bit messy and could be trimmed down to sharpen the message: something along the lines of

Reality is his greatest fear ,
its nightmare haunting him each night ,
his inner eye keeps him awake
insomnia sneaks upon his sleep,
two worlds he fears will never merge,
between them both he's lost in time

My version is still a bit too vague and needs a lot more work, but it's this crisp, concise way of expressing things that you need to aim for.

As for the 3rd 'verse' - it's much too wordy, and it marks the point where poetry was replaced by rather cumbersome prose.

Keep at it - but you need to try and polish your work before posting it.

H

PS - Exclamation marks suck - particularly in a title.

[Twota]

Hmm , so it aint so bad *grins* thankies =DD i ll do my best to get better =]