Love Poem 44

[ShadowsCool]

Space came here
A tick after you left.
I watched you walk
Through the moonbeams.
The eloquent bob
That held my attention,
Was doing me injustice
As you were walking away.
Into another lover?
Oh no, but away
From me this night;
And space came
between us
To visit.

[Jack of Hearts]

The opening line is interesting. Rather than space always 'being there' (and this reader can think of a few philosophers and many scientists who subscribe to that notion), it only 'came' when the love-lost left.

But not all of this poem seems to make sense. 'Your moon glowed feet'- as in got up and got away? Seems a bit awkward in the reading of it.

A decidedly good move to close it with the same interesting idea that opened it.

Maybe re-tweak the middle, this reader thinks. Thanks for posting.






J

[ShadowsCool]

J,

Thanks for taking the time to post and read my poem. I shall take your advice to heart. Yes I agree, I had a fit with that line. The reason being is it did seem forced. But I truly didn't think of another way to describe (moon glowed feet) in another way. Yet that is what I want the reader to see. As if I was watching her from my upstairs blinds and I'm seeing her feet walk away, lit up by the moon. I appreciate your response indeed!

Shadows

[everyadventure]

I liked this one. You've made the space between you nearly tangible. Well done.

[Buh4Bee]

I also like this.

I was not so sure about moon glowed feet. I understand what you are trying to convey- but that line doesn't cut it. Just leave it and the line will come to you.

[ShadowsCool]

Jersea?

Leave it? As in leave it out?

Shadows

[PrinceMyshkin]

The whole of this works well for me but, above all, I like the understated quality of the final three lines. The lack of melodrama in it seems to affirm the reality.

[hallaig]

Like the quiet understatement, however the lines

"the eloquent bob/that held my attention/was doing me injustice"

don't make any sense to me, as well as being more clumsy