Solitude

[Twota]

The fearful thought , of being alone , on the ruthless Earth ,
Has been haunting humanity , since the first day of birth ,
Solitude was considered a disease , and it had no cure ,
It spread too fast , and the people couldn't endure ,
They searched earth for a solution , but it was all in vain ,
All medicine just failed , and prayers could cure no pain ,
Years passed and passed , and daily more people passed away ,
Desperation and time killed everything , but solitude was there to stay..


One day..scientists claimed , that they 've reached perfection ,
LOVE - was created as to be the cure , but it was a false correction ,
For love itself had side-effects , that humans could not obviate ,
People started to share happiness and love , but also they started to hate ,
With hatred came envy , malice , and a new world of massive destruction ,
LOVE - could temporarily defeat solitude , though it was below satisfaction ,
Since it had a very limited duration , then it leaves you broken and alone ,
Broken hearted..deserted , and this time unable to continue on your own..


Scientists tried to destroy their own creation , but they could never do ,
So they just called it a destructive human nature , but it was so untrue ,
They believed their very own lie , and convinced people to do the same ,
So they fell victims to what they supply .. never raise a monster you can't tame ,
And since then , they left humans to choose , between solitude and the LOVE creation ,
First leads you to despair or death , and the second leads you , to your eternal damnation..

[hallaig]

It's a curse having to rhyme,
means you have to do it all the time
even when the words don't coalesce
you have to hammer them in place like this.
Don't be a slave, rhyme's just one way
to make the music, or so I'd say.

[Twota]

LOL , well i knooooooow now that rhyme aint important but i wrote that before i get to know it and tho i wasnt forced to use any unsuitable word , i guess they just fit , or not?

[john7]

Very like.. . Ha ha ha · ~!http://pages.eggge.com/images/52.gif

[hillwalker]

LOL , well i knooooooow now that rhyme aint important but i wrote that before i get to know it and tho i wasnt forced to use any unsuitable word , i guess they just fit , or not?

not!!!

just take a look at the second line -

since the first day of birth - what's that supposed to mean?? Is there such a thing as a second day of birth??

I could pick holes in every rhyming couplet but just don't have the patience. This is just a series of shallow cliches strung together to appear profound... but it fails rather miserably I'm afraid.

You know what you need to do... and well done for sticking to your guns so far. But rhyme is like a virus. It spreads and mutates inside your head until you even start dreaming in rhyming couplets. Of course, by then, you're beyond saving.

H

[Twota]

Hmm well , 1st day of birth meant it like emphasize or so ;D but i ll try to write ur way , i mean without a sticky rhyme , hope am not beyond saving already D= and you shall see the results soon ;D

[hillwalker]

hope am not beyond saving already

No - if you were, no one would bother taking the trouble to comment on your pieces... and you don't have to write my way or anybody else's way come to that. It's just that I can see you are striving to express so much in your work - don't get sidetracked by some grand idea of how poetry is meant to look or sound. Try to keep to your own natural rhythm and voice and you'll get there eventually.

H

[Twota]

hmh , i see :D i wrote sth already now and am posting it in minutes .. its not like the previous ones but idk if its good tho .. you ll ve to tell me lol :D